Letters
by Baliansword
Summary: After Hephaestion's death, Alexander finds a book under his bed, filled with letters that Hephaestion wrote but never gave to him. Eight years of letters fill the pages, just incase Hephaestion never had the chance to say all that he thought, and now Alex
1. Book of Wonders

Title: "Letters"

Author: Baliansword

Summary: After Hephaestion's death, Alexander finds a book filled with letters written to him, but never sent. Has all kinds of emotions as well as angst, love, the usual to make a good story. Let me know what you think!

Chapter: 1, Book of Wonders

A/N: Reviews are welcome. Flames are not, but if you do have a negative comment, say it nicely. Just don't go crazy on me. And every letter written in the book Alexander receives is going to be here. That would take, forever to read, and to write. I'll just put the important ones out there.

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Alexander had entered the room that he vowed he would not enter again. He could not do it. Not without him here, for it was no longer the same. It was as if the air had been sucked out with his life. There was no light even though the sun lit the room. It was as if no one had ever been here now. Everything was in a perfect place, as if the room had never been lived in. Yet as he sighed, looking around as tears began to fill his eyes, he recalled that this was just the way that Hephaestion kept things.

He continued into the room until he sank down on the bed. It did not smell like him anymore. The sheets were the same, yet they had clearly been washed. Alexander felt like crying right then and there. How was it that he was not, he wondered. Looking around the room he felt his heart stop. In fact, he wanted it to stop. Finally he could take it no longer and he stood. As he did, his foot caught on something well hidden under the bed.

Tripping, he caught himself before falling. He then glanced down at the floor. A thick leather bound book stuck out. It was taking all of his strength not to cry. Silently he knelt and grabbed the book. He lifted it, sitting down on the bed. At first he could only bring himself to look at the cover of the book. Then, after a moment, he let his hand run over the leather. It was cold from being on the floor. Cold could remind him of only one thing.

When he cracked the book open, letting the first page be seen, the tears welling in his eyes began to fall. They slid down his cheeks, each one burning, each leaving an invisible scar. He let his hands find his face and he leaned forward. The tears continued to come until he could barely breathe. Then, he leaned back, and looked down at the page again. Even though the words blurred on the page from both his tears, and the wear the book had seen, he could still read the words perfectly clearly.

_For Alexander, the Great, when I am no longer here to tell him how dear to me he is. This is all that I meant to say, and perhaps never did. So now, I say it. _

Alexander stared at the page once more. It was yellow with age. It clearly had seen the toughest of days. The rain had soaked it at least once, the deserts dried the leather, sand still in some of the pages. Yet no matter how bad a condition it was in, it was the most beautiful thing that he had seen. The tears continued, but not in such a hysterical manner. Instead, he turned the page, and looked at the first letter that Hephaestion had written. It made his heart sink, but also made it beat again.

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_Alexander, 3rd day of January in the year 331_

_There is so much that I wish I would have said to you today. I realized though, as you slept with the moonlight touching your cheek, that I never would be able to. Words are so simple between the two of us. Since I know that I shall never say everything that I think to you, not because you will not listen, I have decided to write it to you. I'll never send these letters. They are just something that I will keep until I no longer have the power to do so. Then, you will get them, and then you will know. Now….on for today. _

_We took Egypt just a few days ago. Already I can see you looking for something new to go and explore. You've seen it all though. The Nile, the people, and the pyramids. Oh Alexander, it will never be enough for you to have just this. Already after naming Alexandria today you are looking to the horizon. I merely sit, watching you as you do so, and I feel like laughing though I respect your ideas so much. _

_Never are you going to accept something when you want everything. I praise you for it because I look at Alexandria and I think already you have enough. Persia is to come though, isn't she? All those years as children I thought that it would never be. Not that I did not believe you would do what you said. I just figured when you became king you would slow down. I figured you would want to stay in Pella. What a fool I was then, now that I look at it. _

_I am so glad that I am here with you though. Even though things are changing, I am glad that we are here together. There is nowhere I would rather be but at your side. Alexandria is beautiful, but above her, there is you. _

_When we got back from dinner you looked more beautiful than I had ever seen you. There was a glow that you let off in the room. I don't think you even meant to, it was just you, so excited that things were in motion. It was wonderful to be able to hold you and share your enthusiasm with you. Now that you are sleeping, I stare at you, and I get this longing feeling. I am not sure why. But I long for you, even though you are right in front of me. _

_You are no longer the boy that I met upon returning to Pella after my stay in Athens. You have changed. You no longer dream of the future and make outrageous claims that others laugh at behind your back. –I never told you that for the record, even now, never wrote that – Instead you are now the king that is doing that. You are not a boy, you are greatness personified. One thing about you remains the same though. You completely take my breath away every time I see you. _

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Alexander stared at the page before running his fingers over it. He slowly began to smile even though his heart ached. He quickly flipped through the pages, just trying to estimate how many letters there were. When he noticed there were eight years' worth, the tears began to stream uncontrollably down his cheeks again. Smiling painfully he went to the very last page, not to read it, just to see that date.

_18th day of September, year 324 _

"Oh Hephaestion," he said upon the release of a breath. He had died the nineteenth. Alexander shut the book and lay back, just holding it against his chest. He held it, keeping it close to him. Then he just cried, letting out tears that he had kept bottled since the death of his father. Sadly he realized that without Hephaestion, there was nothing. When he found the courage, he started reading.

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_Alexander, 13th day of January, year 331 _

_When we were younger the world did not scare us. I believe we were both completely fearless to the wonders around us. We did not have time to notice them. We were either defying the odds or falling in love with one another all over. Even though we knew what a war was I don't think we believed that fighting one would be as complicated as it has turned out to be. We knew the positioning, yet, we had never stood against an oncoming force. There were so many wounds that could be given and we knew of all of them. We knew how we were to dress them on a field, knew which were the ones to attend to first, and which ones would be fatal. We had never received such wounds though. _

_Youth shielded us from the world. We did not notice danger as it passed us by. We continued to walk through the treed forests when lighting was striking. You rode the horse that should have been killed for its defiance and its complete lack of sense. I said the things to Cassander that no other dared to without getting a bloody wound somewhere upon them. Youth was the perfect protector of us, but we no longer have it. _

_Now when I see you getting ready to crush revolts in the southernmost part of Egypt, I fear for you. Suddenly I am aware of danger at every corner. There are so many things that can happen when you go. There are so many things that could go wrong and I would not be able to right as I did when we were young. I cannot kneel before you and kiss your scraped knee anymore. Now, the cuts are fierce and deep if you receive them, and there is too much panic to be serene about things. I have seen the medical quarters after battles. _

_I have seen you hold the hands of soldiers that you know we are going to loose. I see the strain that it puts on you and I wish that I could take your pains for you. But I also see the king that these men love. If they are to be dying, they want you by their side. I want you by my side when I go, no matter when that is. I vow to wait for you, if you are not by my side, and will try to hold on until you come to me. Yet the more I see it the more it worries me. _

_Those wounds exist, the ones that cannot be healed. Each and every one of them we have seen. I see the blood, see the look of glass in other's eyes, as they slowly let go of their lives. When you ready yourself I sit here writing. You think that I am writing some sort of treaty, some letter you have told me to. But really I am writing this. My only fear in the world is loosing you to this world that you love so much. I do not want you to go. _

_You put on your chiton, your sword at your side, and pick up your plumed helmet. As you do I feel my heart stop beating for a moment. You are so enchanting, dazzling even, as if you too are a god of war. But the feeling washes over me again, a feeling of pain, loss, and complete horror mixed together. I do not want you out on the field but I know you, Alexander. You would never send your men to do what you would not. How can they not love you for such chivalry? _

_All I know how to do is go with you when you face such dangers. What else am I to do? I know that every man on the field today will be just like me. They will fight for you because they love you. They would die for you if needed, because they love you. In all simplicity, you are loved. Loved more than you know. _

_I would throw myself in front of any enemy blade aimed to hurt you. I have no doubt that all others would. Well, then there is Cassander. Yet I think if enough people were looking, he would do the same. Sometimes he just needs a little coaxing. So as you get ready, preparing to stop a rebellion they are foolish to have against you, I try to calm myself. You do not even notice how tense I am. For that I am glad because I know that you will never understand how much I care for you, how much I fear for you, and how I am willing to sacrifice myself to save you. I think if you knew of that, you would force me to stay here. _

_So we go into battle again today. It is another day that I know we will loose at least one more man to war. It saddens me, for are we really men? You may have a kingdom, but does that make you a man? You are a man. But where is the line drawn between youth and adult? When did we pass it Alexander? If I could get it back, I would, for when we were younger I felt as if I could protect you. Now, I cannot, and that is my greatest fear of all. _

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A/N: Okay, chapter one is up. Will post next one ASAP. Review this one though!


	2. Letters of 331 BC

Title: "Letters:

Author: Baliansword

Chapter: 2, "Letters of 331 BC"

Summary: After Hephaestion's death, Alexander finds a book of letters written for him, but never sent.

A/N: Thanks everyone for the reviews. They are all appreciated.

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_Alexander,16, January, 331 _

_We fought for days it seemed even though it was a matter of hours. The men all back you, even when they know that they could die. It is clear that they could have. But they continued forward and we faced the rebellion. When it was over, what had we truly accomplished Alexander? I think of it now and I do not know, days later. You saw a glorious victory and that your dream would come true. With this rebellion crushed you could take out the next one until the world was united under you. However, when I look I see something that you will not see until it reaches you in your nightmares, months from now. _

_I see the death, and the pain. I see what you should be looking at but are not. There is so much death on the field when they are done. Blood stains the ground, the swords fought with, and even my own hands were tainted with it. I see what you cannot see yet, because you are stronger than I am. You are now and you always have been. You are strong, willing to do what I would never be able to do. But there is something else I see, something that brings comfort to me. I see you. _

_Even with blood staining your face you were still as beautiful as ever to me. The anger in your eyes was still there, as you cut down man after man, and it scared me. You will never be rid of that anger your parents burned into your mind will you? I suppose not, and many fear it, for when you fight you loose control of the Alexander that I know. Instead you release a beast. After it is over, you were standing, and I just stared at you. For a moment you surveyed the field, the countless bodies, and then you turned to look over at me. _

_I was sitting, staring at you, when I should have been looking at the cut on my hand. When you saw me, you grew so worried. I could see it in your eyes, the way that your breath caught, and you suddenly began coming toward me. I never want to see you worried again. However, when you were worried, you were the most beautiful that I had ever seen you. Perfectly beautiful. _

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Alexander ran a hand over the page before looking up. He had retreated from Hephaestion's old room. The pain that lingered there was too much. In his own rooms he was safer, he felt. The pain inside of him was still there. The hole that he felt for Hephaestion would never leave. But he knew that it was better here. Here he was safe. In this room, Hephaestion would always be with him.

He continued to read over this letter again and again. He remembered the rebellion after founding Alexandria. Yet most of all he knew that Hephaestion had seen everything. He knew, even when Alexander had not meant him to know, what he saw when he'd glanced over at him. He saw him sitting there, but in his mind he was not sitting. In his mind he was hurt, injured, and his heart had stopped. Hephaestion was right. He could not breathe. He couldn't even think. Had Hephaestion really seen all of that? Of course he had, and it made Alexander smile, even though it hurt. If he'd seen all of that, then what else did he see and never say?

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_Alexander,20, January, 331 _

_You are asleep now, sleeping from the love that we made hours before. After, you held me, waiting for me to drift off to sleep. I acted as if I had fallen asleep and merely waited for your breathing to slow. You were asleep when I got out of bed, and began writing this. You still are as well. The moonlight shines in through the balcony and it lingers on your cheek. Your golden hair shines even brighter now than it does in the sun. Complete beauty. _

_I probably do not tell you that you are beautiful enough. Maybe I should say it more. Yet ever time I want to, I cannot. Either others surround you, or you are asleep, or completely in deep thought over a map. For in truth you are most resplendent when you are doing something completely normal. Notwithstanding, you are beautiful when you are with me, and me alone. Yet when you smile naturally, laughing perhaps at one of Cleitus' jokes, you are the only one in the room. _

_Tonight is no different. You are awe-inspiring as you lay there. I have not told you today that you are though. Maybe I should say more to you. But deep down I think you know what I want to say. I've begun to wonder. What is the difference between love and obsession? At times I believe that I love you a great deal more than just what one would call love. Sometimes I believe that I am obsessed. _

_I am completely infatuated with you. Sometimes, I look at you when you do not think that I am. Is that so wrong? Today when you were drawing plans with the Companions, I was barely even listening. Instead I was watching you, as you leaned over, your golden hair fell over your face. As you rose, you pushed it back and watched, for you did it with such a grace I stopped breathing for a moment. _

_Should I tell you that I love you more often? Have I been negligent in not saying such enough? I wish that I knew how to say it when I am around you. For I do, truly, I do love you and only you. I would not be able to go on without you. So is that love, or is that obsession?_

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Alexander began to cry. He felt guilty about being so calm while reading these. For how could he go on without Hephaestion? As he sat there, just crying, there was a knock at the door. He glanced up and turned his attention to the door. He wiped tears away and as the door opened he tried to breathe. At first he thought that it would be Bagoas, but it was not. Instead it was Cassander.

"Hey," Cassander said as he entered the room. He shut the door and then leaned against it, but did nothing more for a moment. Alexander closed the book and pushed it off of his lap. Carefully he set it down next to him, then glanced over at Cassander. He did not even care that his eyes were red, for in truth, Cassander's were as well.

"Um," Cassander said after taking a breath. "The others were wondering if you would be coming down for dinner. Not that it would be required. Just, we all worry for you, and we wanted you to…just…it would soothe some nerves if you would maybe come down."

"They sent you to plead the case," Alexander asked, laughing slightly. He had never heard Cassander so lost for words. However, he liked him like this, afraid of him. At least for some time he may be able to have some control over him.

"No, I wanted to come."

"Maybe tomorrow," Alexander said quietly. He then took the book and set it back on his lap and began to open it. He found the page he'd left off on. However, he had to look up again, for Cassander had not left. There was a soft sincere smile upon his face and he nodded once. There were tears almost in his eyes as well.

"Was that what he was always working on?"

"Yes," the king nodded, tears beginning to slide down his cheeks. He nodded and said yes again. Then he glanced up at Cassander, who nodded once, and then left him to his privacy.

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_Alexander,9, February, 331_

_I wonder what the Oracle will say to you. Siwah has been a place that you have wanted to go forever now. When you wanted me to come with you to see the Oracle I knew that I could not. What the Oracle will say to you, she will say, and I do not truly want to know what the future will bring. Especially my future. For what would we be able to do if she told you of when I would die? All that could be done is a simple avoidance but I do not want that. So let her tell you of the victories you will gain. But please, ask nothing of me, for I don't want you to have to worry. _

_While you were gone I decided to go to the market. I know that I said that I would remain with Ptolemy and the others. In truth, how could I do that? You know how they are with the local women when you are not around. Ptolemy takes what he can find, and immediately cozies up to it. As for Cassander, he is good looking, and women seem to flock to him. So I would rather be by myself, even though you say I may be in danger, than sit around and watch them slide tongues in and out of one another's mouth. In truth, it is disgusting to me. _

_It is not appalling because it is Ptolemy or Cassander. It is note vent he fact that they love women, and I don't. Actually, it is appalling because I know that there is no love between any of them. Therefore, I decided to go to the market. Believe me, I was careful, just because I do not want to have you yelling at me for being injured later. I know you care. But I can take care of myself. Sometimes I think that you forget that. _

_Do you really see me the way that Cassander and the rest of them do? Do you really look at me and think that I am weak? I know that they do, for they make sure to comment on it constantly. Cassander actually is the one that comments on it constantly. But do you too think that I am nothing more than your lover? _

_But while I was in the marketplace I found a ring. I don't know when I am going to give it to you. When I was buying it I heard the story that comes with it. I am not sure if it is true. But I want it to be, because it just made it so much more perfect. The ring comes from a time when man worshipped the sun. The legend goes that the ring belonged to the man noblest of all the others. He was to wear the ring, and pass it down to his family, until the sun decided it no longer wanted to be worshipped. When the sun lost its religious aspects, it entered the ring, and the man wearing the ring became the king of all. Or at least, that was what many thought. However, the ring was never worn by the right man, the seller told me. He said it would only have power when the greatest man of all wore it, and only then would the sun's power come through, and that man would be the only ruler to walk the earth. _

_It was made for you then, my love. You are the sun, to my stars, and you are the greatest man of them all. I found the ring for you. When I will give it to you, I do not know. I will keep it with me until I know that it is yours. Then, it will be yours. I believe that Siwah perhaps gave us both an answer. _

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Alexander looked at the ring on his hand. When Hephaestion had given the ring to him, he had never told him the entire story. He had told him thatthe ring came from a time where they worshipped the sun. But he had never added that it would be worn by the greatest of them all. The tears began to fall as he reread this passage.

"Oh Hephaestion," he whispered as he got to the part where he spoke of what others thought about him. "I never thought you weak. You were never weak, divine, but not weak."

For hours he continued to flip through the pages. They were different, each one. Some had no dates, or the date had finally been rubbed off, and some were torn. But each letter was another piece of Hephaestion. He continued to read, his tears held back. However, the tears would soon come when he found the letters Hephaestion wrote from Persepolis and Babylon. Together, they were the longest letters of them all, and they contained emotions from pain to joy. Alexander read them for the next few days.


	3. Pain Begins

Title: "Letters" 

Author: Baliansword

Chapter: 3, "Pain Begins''

A/N: Thank you for all of the support with this. I hope everyone enjoys.

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He had fallen asleep while reading. The book remained opened on his chest and the candles were dying down. Sleep had claimed him without and remorse. He had not even time to shut the book and carefully tuck it away. Nor did sleep let go of its claim on him as the door to his room was pushed open. As the outsider entered and lifted the book he moaned, but did nothing else. Silently the flames of the burning candles were extinguished and Cassander slid back out of the room. The book lay shut, on the stand next to the bed. Upon getting his hands on it, Cassander had a change of heart, and decided not to read the letters after all.

As the sun rose later Alexander awoke. Startled he sat up, looking for the only thing in his life that he could still hold dear to him. Relief flooded him when he saw the book. However, he did not have much time to read before the door opened. As it did Alexander looked up, but only for a moment upon seeing that it was Bagoas. Bagoas looked at him, eyes like a deer's, large and bright. Yet they were not as bright as Hephaestion's had been. The eunuch remained, waiting for Alexander to speak, so the king finally enlightened him.

"Go Bagoas," he finally said. "I will be fine."

"They want you to come down."

"I do not care what they want," he responded, the anger clear. Bagoas took the hint and was quick about getting out of the room. Alexander waited for the door to shut before he looked back down at the endless pages that filled his mind.

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_Alexander, 7th of January, 330 _

_Persepolis. We have finally reached your beloved city, the one that you have wanted above all others. You should see the way you look now. Everything here is so new, and many of the men are unsure of it, but you have embraced everything as if at one point in your life it was yours. I have never seen you so glad I do not think. Your smile radiates when you laugh amongst the men. In front of you, I smile too. But this is not what I wanted Persepolis to be like. _

_I wanted this place to be unpalatable. I wanted it to be a place that instantly you would hate. Yet you love it. Even I look at it and can see why you would love it so much. However since you love it, that is one more thing you love above me. I do not want you to think later, as you read this perhaps, that I believe you do not love me. But you must understand that slowly I see myself fading away from you. I just want to reach out to you, say something, yet never can. _

_What, I wonder, would possess the Greeks to speak badly of this place. I can see the differences and I know why I myself do not like it. Because to me it is foreign. The smells are different and I cannot speak with the people here. I have no idea what they say to me and their culture scares me all the more. Do they hate it because they do not understand it either? _

_Already things are being gifted to you. I keep watching the men of these lands bring you things. Gold seems to be the only color they know here whether they bring you coins, vases, or robes they claim are fit for a king. The animals in cages they bring are beautiful. But truth be told they do not love their masters, or you, who are now their master. They want out. They scream, their eyes burn with rage trying to tell you, and I wonder if you see it. _

_There was a caged tiger of some sort, young, and I sat down before writing this. I continued for some time to stare at the remarkable creature before my thoughts were interrupted. It was Cassander who walked past me then stopped. He turned to ponder what I was doing. Then, he merely laughed and I faced him for a moment. He told me only that the tiger had my eyes, something I had already noticed. Apparently this one does not eat the live food it is given. That was what Cassander was referring to. When I looked at the beast, I saw my eyes, and thought that perhaps we both want to leave this palace as much as one another. _

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_Alexander,10th of January, 330 _

_It is not my head that hurts. That is not why I have left you at the dining hall tonight. My head is fine, at least it is for now. What really aches is my heart. I know that you do not ask for your gifts. However, the one that you have just received, is terrible. How can they give you a slave as a present? _

_How can that boy they have given you please you so much?_

_Denial is what I would get from you if I mentioned it. But I worry about this new impediment that has been gifted to you. What is his name, Bagoas? I cannot even remember for when you were receiving him I could only stare. The hardest thing to do was stand there and act as if I did not mind in the slightest. Cassander knew though, knew the burn that I felt, and for the first time in his life I think he has shown some compassion. He reached out, squeezed my shoulder, and whispered it was just a gift. Is he just a gift though?_

_I am a fool for leaving you alone tonight, for what are you going to do with him if I am not there? Now I think about coming back down. Yet if I do that then you will know that I am fine. I just lied to get away from you. Oh Alexander, I love you more than you can know. Yet at the same time, in loving you, you are ripping my heart in two. _

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Finally he came down even though his mood had not changed. He left the room, walking quickly down the hallway, and stormed into Cassander's room. Slamming the door caused Cassander to turn around. Yet he did not leap up in fear. He did not even look at Alexander as if the anger showing in his eyes was surprising. Instead, he remained seated, and then sighed.

Alexander lunged forward and grabbed his shoulders and shoved him back. Cassander still remained calm. It was truly not startling to be treated in such a way by Alexander. They had the same amount of anger. Alexander was just better at letting it out, and Cassander was the perfect source to vent on at the moment.

"Why did you never tell me," Alexander screamed.

"Tell you what," asked Cassander through another sigh. Alexander only punched him in the gut. Cassander slumped forward for a moment but then straightened. "Alexander, really, I do not know what you mean."

"About Hephaestion!"

Alexander let him go and turned. He paced for a moment, trying to think, but adrenaline was running through his veins. Cassander went back to sitting, drinking wine. He caught his breath and then finally glanced up at Alexander.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Hephaestion," Alexander repeated. "I want to know why you never told me about the pain he felt. You knew about what he felt! You knew and you never said anything to me!"

"How could I? To begin, you never would have believed me. But also, if I had told you, then you would have had to face the fact that you're an ass."

"What?"

Many would never have dared to speak to Alexander in such a way. None of the other Companions would have. But one of the reasons, deep down, that Alexander kept Cassander so close was because of the fact that Cassander did not fear him. Since there was no fear, Cassander would do whatever he wanted. Alexander would rather have him acting out with him, instead of against him.

"You are an _ass_. Sadly, Hephaestion accepted that though. You put him through with a great deal of pain with Bagoas. Well, with all of this."

"You should have said something," Alexander screamed.

Cassander was dreadfully calm when he responded.

"And you should have seen it all along."


	4. Pain Part Two

Title: "Letters" 

Author: Baliansword

Chapter: 4, "Pain Part Two"

A/N: Thank you for all of the support with this. I hope everyone enjoys.

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_Alexander, 25, January, 330_

_Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we were not here. I wonder what you and I would be doing it you did not have Bagoas. Yet, all the while, I do not blame you. You are the greatest of all men, they say, and I have to agree with them. So if you need Bagoas to keep you company, then I will let you have him, but I do not understand it Alexander. _

_What you must see in him I do not. He is thin, muscled nowhere, and compared to those you usually look at he seems rather plain. For the Persians, I suppose not. Perhaps I do not know you at all if I can look at him and not see why you are attracted to him. I must be used to thinking that you love me above all others and that since I look nothing like him, you should not want him. But maybe, all along, you have not desired me. Am I now lost to you forever Alexander?_

_I think of the scars that I have gained in the war, the ones that you call glorious. Yet maybe they are no longer so. He is younger than I am, not scarred from wars, able to satisfy you I suppose better than I can now. If you want him, then he is yours, for I shall speak no more of it to you. Today I realized that either you do not care of my opinions or are never going to stop seeing him. _

_I thought about giving you your ring today, but stopped myself. I do not want you to think that I am weak and that I desperately need you. I do need you. I will always need you and shall always love you. But I do not want you to think that I cannot be a general without you. Go to him tonight my love, if you are not already there, for slowly I am beginning to let you go. It is something that you want me to do, so I shall do it. _

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He stared at the letter once more, then turned the page. His fight with Cassander had gotten him nowhere. Yet he understood it, and now let himself see it, whereas before he had not. Hephaestion had always felt this way. Cassander had never said anything because he did not need to. Alexander had seen it just like they all had, however unlike them, he pushed it to the back of his thoughts. It made sense to him now.

If he could not make Hephaestion happy, then he could please no one. He wanted nothing more than to make Hephaestion happy. Therefore, when he was not, he could not admit it to himself. Now, it was too late to do so. It would solve nothing now. Nothing at all.

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_Alexander,29, March, 330 _

_Mardi. That is where you are campaigning now, however, I am not with you. You have sent me away to prepare the supply lines. Do you truly think that I am not even worthy of being your general now? I should be angry with you but all I know is that I miss you. I worry for you. If anything happens to you I know that I will not be there to protect you. I know that, and I cannot sleep now, worry filling my mind for you. _

_Perhaps I should not be doing what I have planned to do. Even though you have left me here, I know that I must reach you. I am going to saddle a horse, one of the better ones, and I am going to set out to find you. If you do not want me then that is fine. However, I still want you. _

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"I sent him there to protect him," whispered Alexander. Even though Cassander had just entered the room and said nothing he stopped to listen. At least Alexander was speaking now.

After the other Companions heard about Alexander's confrontation with Cassander they appointed him Alexander's new best friend. Since he turned everyone else away they thought sacrificing Cassander to his anger would be a good idea. At least he was not yelling at him. Cassander leaned against the door and let Alexander continue.

"I thought he wanted to stop fighting," he sniffed. "He used to be my equal. He used to be there when I made plans, smiling all the while, and then he just stopped. He stopped wanting to do it I thought. So I sent him away, but apparently, I only upset him more."

"Are you speaking of Mardi?"

He nodded, "Yes."

"He came."

"I know," Alexander said, smiling through his pained tears. "I remember when he charged onto the field with his sword raised. I think it was the hardest his men ever fought, upon seeing him."

"He was a fool for trying to get to you."

"Perhaps," he said sadly.

"You know that I mean that, right?"

"Get out."

"Good," Cassander laughed. "Just making sure that we still understood each other. I left you tray next to your bed. You should eat. You can't starve yourself before you finish reading that book."

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_Alexander,4th of April, 330 _

_You are sleeping now as I write this. For days you have been staying by my side, hoping that my wounds will disappear I would think. The way you keep checking them makes me laugh. When I fell off of my horse, I figured that I had failed you. Maybe I still have. But a deep cut to the thigh really is nothing when you think about it. Soldiers get them all the time. All you said of this was that I was no mere soldier. Maybe you do still love me. For that I would be grateful. _

_Soon you will want to leave Persepolis. I think that all of the men know it. Many of them are not going to want to leave but I am sure things will be fine. Alexander, someday you will understand, that there is only so far that you can go. The world will be yours as all have prophesized. Yet, my love, those in it will not be if you push them so hard. _

_I shall sleep, since I do not want to wake you. I have a feeling that the next time I write you will catch me. Today you did, saw me writing, and asked what I was doing. I told you merely that I was organizing your treaties, perfecting them. Forgive me, wherever we are now as you read this, for lying to you. _

_Wherever we are now, right this moment, I hope that you still love me. _

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"He has been up there for days," complained Ptolemy.

"There are a lot of letters," Cassander told them as he sipped his wine and took a bite of chicken from his plate. The same dinner sat on a tray in Alexander's room. He knew that Alexander would barely touch it though. However, at least they were making some progress. Alexander was back to hating him. Clearly he was feeling better.

"He needs to be moving about again. The morale of the men is slipping. They fear that without Hephaestion the king will have no sanity."

"He won't."

"Cassander," Craterus gasped. "Do not say that!"

"I am merely being honest," Cassander shrugged. "I have the feeling that by the end of that book he will be doing only two things. Crying, and killing."

"Good," laughed Ptolemy, "since we are sending you up there to check on him."

"Yes, yes, send me. But if I kill him and take over the empire you all cannot hate me. Since I will blame you for putting me in such a hostile situation."

At this, they all laughed.

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"I love you now," Alexander whispered as he ran a hand carefully over the page. "I love you now, I love you then, and I will love you tomorrow. I will love you forever, just like I always said I would."

The tears were streaming down his cheeks. He tilted his head back and did the unthinkable. When he screamed Hephaestion's name, the whole palace heard it. There was no way that they could not. A pained voice echoes more against cold walls.


	5. Leaving Persepolis

Title: "Letters"

Author: Baliansword

Chapter: 5, "Leaving Persepolis"

A/N: Again, thank you all so much for your support. This is something completely different for me so I appreciate that you are going with me on this one. Completely enjoy all of your comments. Cannot wait to hear from you soon.

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He sat for a moment, considering things as he began to write. It did not seem to be working as it had in his mind. As he moved the pen across the parchment the words came. Yet they were in no was elegant. He imagined that it would have been something more artistic, yet when he glanced down, his words were merely words. Sighing he tossed the pen down and then ran a hand through his hair.

Cassander knew that writing was not his gift. This was perhaps the worst idea that he had ever had. Immediately he stood and collapsed upon his bed. The ceiling looked the same as always. Everything was the same. Nothing seemed to have changed since Hephaestion's death.

"Hephaestion," he laughed quietly, "you really did love him didn't you, you foolish bastard."

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_Alexander, 1st of May, 330_

_We are leaving Persepolis the day after next. I am torn, for I do not know whether to be happy, or whether to be sad. I know that I am tired to living here. I want to go on. However, at the same time, I know that going on is a foolish idea. The men will not back you. They want to be rid of this place as much as I, but my love they want to go back to Macedonia, not further to the east. It is something you should be able to understand, yet you do not. For above all you are Alexander. _

_Many believe that you wish to die. They say you go into each battle ready to accept your fate. I know that you do. You do not fear for your own well being. But I know that the missions you set out with are not complete suicidal. If they were, I believe you would already be dead. Instead you go into each battle, looking for the best fighters, and you fight. It is not suicidal because you never give up. You are just waiting for the best of all these foreign warriors to beat you. When they do only then may you escape the haunting of your mother and father. _

_It will never be enough for you Alexander. You could conquer the world and would then only pause for a moment. Next you would find some new great feat. You have never fought the Persians, Alexander. It is yourself that you fight. No other could compete with you. Not even I may do so._

_All the while, as you speak of leaving, I wonder what the men will think. I know that many do not wish to go. However, my love, you cannot fight them all. I am with you even though I would like to take time to settle from Issus and Guagamela before going on. They may not agree with you but I love you and that is all that I must know to stand wherever you shall tell me to stand. As always, I worry for you, but my heart never falters. _

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_Alexander,24th, October, 330 _

_It happened today. I knew that there would be a few who would rise against you but never would I have thought of Philotas. It is true that he was sore when you sent his father away. But I never would have suspected him. Yet the further we go the more I understand that we are beginning to change, and now for the worse instead of the better. _

_I sat looking at the Companions today. It may be odd for me to think such, but there apart from you is only one that I would trust. Many trust Ptolemy, but not I. Agreeing with your mother, again odd, I believe that he does think too much. There is something that he plans against you. Not a plan such as Philotas', however, it is still a plan he intends to go through with. _

_Cassander is the one that I would trust. He is honest. He does not hide his faults, nor his intentions. There are many that would call him bold. I call it a strategy, yet one I believe in. He scares many because we all think he is unstable. However, I think he may be the sanest one of us all. Is that not odd? Should something happen to me, you should lean upon him. _

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"I did not know he thought of me like that," Cassander said as he stared at the city, or what he could see of it from where he sat upon the balcony. The sun almost blinded him but he could not move. Something was awakening inside of him. He enjoyed it, no matter the fact that he had forgotten what feeling was.

"We all think you are a murdering treacherous snake," Alexander replied quietly. His throat had to be burning by now. He had read and read, never drinking, and his lips were cracking. He even refused to lick him. Cassander glanced over at his cup once more. It would satisfy him if he at least took one small sip. Then he would know he had done what he could. It would benefit no one for Alexander to die here.

"I meant that he trusted me."

"It does?"

"Like you say," he laughed. "You all think I am a murdering treacherous snake. He should have too. I almost hated him."

"I assumed that you did."

"No," Cassander said as he lifted his own cup to his lips. He drank, feeling his own throat throbbing. It was getting harder and harder to speak. He did not wish to speak more of Hephaestion. It was beginning to hurt.

"I did not hate him," he continued despite the fact he wanted them to go back to being completely silent. "No one could hate Hephaestion. We could of course make jokes about your relationship, call him a whore, be jealous and envious of him, and we could dislike him. By Hades, I even said to his face that I hated him. Yet I never could hate him, none of us could, because he was what he was. He was Hephaestion. There will never be another like him."

"He was perfect."

"There is no such thing. He had his flaws. We all do. But perhaps his flaws were the ones we look at and do not see as flaws. Perhaps he loved too much, not just you, but the world and everything in it. He was perfect, because he was the diplomat of us all that wanted to help the men we conquered, but because of his perfection he was weak. He forgot to hate."

"It was not in him to hate."

"It should have been, and he would have been stronger. However, he would then not have been Hephaestion."

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"Do I make you happy," he asked suddenly. An awkward silence filled the room. It was the fist time he had ever wanted to have a conversation with him. Before, he had done the speaking, but not much of it. The question completely threw Bagoas off. He stared at Alexander for a moment, his big brown eyes like those of a doe, and he blinked a few times.

"Yes, my lord, you make me happy."

"Do you mean it? Be honest with me Bagoas. Do I make you happy?"

"My heart is like butterfly when I see you," he said in terrible Greek. Alexander almost smiled, but could not bring himself to do so. He ran a hand across Bagoas' cheek. He so wished he could be touching Hephaestion instead though. It was unfair, since it was not Bagoas' fault, but it was what he was truly feeling.

"If I displease you, ever, would you tell me?"

"If you wished it."

"Tell me, when I make you sad. Can you do that for me?"

Bagoas nodded and Alexander ran a hand over his cheek once more. He then rolled onto his side. His back was to Bagoas, who was silent, and just stared at his paler skin. If he were to be honest, he would have said he hurt then. Yet he could not say that. It was unspeakable. Instead he waited until he was sure Alexander was asleep. Then he quietly left the room, knowing that Alexander did not love him, which was likely while he closed his eyes now when they made love. He did not wish to see him. He yearned to see Hephaestion instead.

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_Alexander, 25, December, 330_

_Arachosia. Another city that you have taken. Another one I know in days that we must leave. I had a dream last night, and have only gotten a chance to write of it now. Do you remember when we were younger as vividly as I do? I recall your favorite story, of which you keep a book of under your pillow to this day. The story of the wondrous Achilles and his beloved companion Patroclaus. I dreamt of them I suppose, yet through us, since you have taken Achilles' place and say that I have taken Patroclaus'. _

_In my dream, you had conquered the east, as far as the east goes. You were so glad. Everyone was in a joyous mood. There was a feast, which I saw in a blur, where you celebrated your victory. The men celebrated the fact that soon they would be able to travel home. Next, I saw in this vision of a dream that he traveled across the desert. I believe that we were in Ecbatana when I began to view the dream slowly. Life stilled. You and I were together and things were so wonderful. It is all that I have ever wanted, just to be with you. _

_Yet I know that I died, shortly after you whispered that I was enough for you. I am not sure what happened. One moment I was lying wrapped in your arms and in the next instant I saw myself lying on a bed. You were crying, and I knew by the blank stare in my eyes what had happened. Patroclaus had left Achilles. I had left you, my love, and I do not even know why. However I quickly awoke. _

_Maybe I did not see a dream. Perhaps it was more of a vision of what was to come. I do not fear it though because I have always known that I shall be the one to go first. I have never feared it. It is just something that I have known. So, should you be reading this and I am not with you, there is so much that you need to know. _

_I have always loved you. I knew that I loved you from the first time that I saw you. You were such a brat when we met. So full of yourself, but in a confident way, even though it put others off. But I loved you all the more. _

_I never have stopped loving you. There are times when I wish I could. I know that there are times when you wished that you could stop loving me. No matter what I have said, or may say later, I do love you. I could never stop loving you. If I were to do so I know that I would shortly after take my last breath. You are what I live for, you, and you alone Alexander. _

_You also must know that you _are_ great Alexander. You are the only thing that this retched world has provided that is worth something. It should be yours just because of that. Your mother and your father loved you Alexander, even though they did not know how to tell you so, or did not show it. Everyone loves you. Even your enemies admire you, and love you, just as I do. You must know this. I fear that without me, you will not know love. But it is all around you. For I shall always cling to your heart, will always be in your soul, and I will wait for you when I go. I shall walk with Hades for years if I have to but I shall not abandon you, as you fear that I one-day will. _

_Simply know, Alexander, that I love you. _


	6. A Letter from 329 BC

**Title**: "Letters"

**Author**: Baliansword

**Chapter**: 6, "A Letter from 329 BC"

**Author and Historical Notes**: As always I enjoy all of your reviews. Historically there were a few events in 329 that were a huge impact upon Alexander and his empire. In January, he advanced to Kabul and wintered. In the spring he crossed the Hindu Kush with his men, some of who were not thrilled with his decision to do so. During the summer he reorganized his cavalry, crossed the Oxus, and captured Bessus. He killed Bessus and then advanced to the Jaxartes. In the autumn the rising of the Sogdians and the Bactrians began, and during the winter Alexander captured Bactra, where he stayed.

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Alexander looked down, stopping for a moment. He knelt and carefully picked the fallen page from the floor. The book was beginning to fall apart. Whether it was age of the tears that stained the parchments, he was unsure. He crossed the rest of the room as he left the balcony, and went to his bed, careful to keep the wind from the open pages. As he sat, he stared at them, running his hands over them once more. He could still feel. That was enough for him. Perhaps he was still living after all.

Leaning back he continued to stare at the page. _Simply know, Alexander, that I love you._ The words were still bringing tears to his eyes. They stung, for he was beginning to understand the pain that Hephaestion felt. Still he could not see why he had not noticed it before. Sitting, he stared at the words until his eyes clouded with tears, and finally he blinked. There was then a knock at the door, and he knew that it was Cassander, sent to check on him once again by the other Companions.

"Are you still reading," Cassander asked as he entered the room. Alexander merely nodded. He expected a fight. It was what Cassander loved to see, the weakness that Alexander was now showing, and he would attack. Alexander sat there, waiting for it. Yet there was no utterance from Cassander. Instead, the other set the menorah he held down, and left the room without saying another word.

Alexander glanced at the menorah. Flames were dancing from the wicks of the candles. The king leaned back and turned the page in the book of letters. They too were falling out, some had corners torn out from some sort of aging, and there were even a few with drops of blood upon them. As Alexander read the first one, which had no date as well as small drops of blood, he smiled slightly. He knew, even though Hephaestion did not mention it, where the blood was from. It was from a small battle, in Kabul, where Hephaestion has cut the palm of his hand when he was pushed into a pottery cart.

"Oh," he whispered, "my dear Hephaestion. The things one remembers too late."

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"He is reading," Cassander said as he sat back down at the table. All of the Companions nodded as if he had revealed some brand new information. As he sat he picked up his hand once more and looked at the cards. Satisfied that the cards had not been touched, at least not his own, he placed the cards facedown on the table.

"Does he look as if he will be done anytime soon," Seleucus asked. The man then shuffled through his cards as if he expected the hand to change. Cassander knew he had nothing. He was too nervous to have nothing. In fact, everyone was on edge, apart from himself. Were they truly that scared about Alexander reading a book of letters from Hephaestion and hence missing a few days of work?

"He needs a break," he answered simply.

"A break from what," Lysimachus asked.

"You must be joking if you are asking me that," Cassander said as he flipped his cards over. Satisfied with the other hands on the table he took the pot. Carefully he stacked the coins he had, letting them make an obnoxious clinking, a sign of winning that he rubbed in their faces. He did not care if they disliked him for winning, for he was better, and he needed someone to hate him. With Hephaestion gone, and Alexander as close to gone as one could get whilst still breathing, he felt left out.

"He lives with rival parents for his early life, witnesses his father bringing in that Eurydice, sees a baby born that is to take over his kingdom, becomes king moments after his father is assassinated directly in front of him, conquers the known world, creates the only empire in the world at the moment, faces rebellion from hundreds of his men along the way, then looses his dearest companion and his only one true love in this dreary world and you still have the need to ask me what he needs a break from? Forgive me for saying it, but if you need to ask, you should not be sitting here. You should be buried with those dog Bactrans we slaughtered. Or the Sogdians, or the Thebans, or if you would like the Persians for all I care. For if you truly cannot see why we should respect Alexander in his time of need, then you are no friend at all to him."

He tossed his new hand on the table as he stood. He did not even bother to pick up his winnings. He picked up only his personal dagger and then left the table. The Companions stared at his back as he marched away. There was silence amongst them. Many of them were thinking over the words that Cassander had said. However, it was Craterus that began flipping over everyone's hand. For the first time, he won. He collected his winnings and then divided up Cassander's pile. He was sure that Cassander would not be back for it anytime soon. As he did, Perdiccas and Ptolemy glared at him from opposite sides of the table.

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_Alexander, 329_

_As we enter this small town, just on the outskirts of the lodgings we shall stay in at Kabul, I smile. For the first time we have come to a place that reminds me of home. I know it looks nothing the same but the mood is the same. There are peasants, if that is what you would call them, walking through the streets with carts. They wish to make a living selling arrays of things from foreign food to trinkets, some of which have even come from Pella. I remember home, when I see the children laughing and running from one another, thinking only of their games and nothing else. _

_It may not be a place you shall ever wish to stay. But perhaps I would stay here, if ever you need leave of me. I would like for you to remain with me though, forever. This place may not be good for me after all. Like always I begin to think of things. Maybe I should stop thinking. _

_Today it rained, which did not surprise anyone, since it seems to pour from the skies constantly here. In Pella we were lucky for clouds, in Babylon we were lucky for less sun, and here we want less rain. Is it not funny how every landscape changes? As it rained, I sat on the wooden porch, holding a cup of wine and thinking. Again, it was just a thought, nothing you should take seriously if you do not have the time to. _

_I wonder, Alexander, what it would have been like if we were born here? You were born a prince, raised to be a king, and I was raised to be your general from the moment you set eyes on me. It has never left us much room to be in love, or to be lovers I should say. No matter where we go there are so many complications to it. As a king you can bed me when we are marching, but that is all, and even then it is odd since I too am your age. They, those that know, would prefer it if you were with someone younger. Someone like Bagoas, just a Macedonian instead. _

_It ends after the marching though. No one would hate you, at least I hope they would not, if you were to let us be seen in public. Yet there would be talk. They would say I got my position as general unfairly. It would cause far too much concern in your government, especially in the minds of the Companions. Never would I complain though. If I must love you in secret then in secret I shall be yours and yours alone. In secret I do not have to share you with the world. _

_But what would have our lives been like if we were born here? Supposing that we were not required to be what we are now. I must believe that things would be different. So very different in fact, that maybe you and I would never have had to hide from the eyes of others. That perhaps is why I would like to come here. Because I know that here you and I are just Alexander and Hephaestion. You are not a king, and I am not a general, and we merely are in love. _

_I know that this can never be. Even if we come back to this little village some day, the people will know you. They may even know me with the kind words you spoke to them of me. Just like few others, they mistake you and I, and I am forced to wonder why. I am no king. But now they know. It can never be, the life that we were not meant to have. _

_In loving you, I have given my own life away. There is only you for me. I have never regretted that decision. Even now, when I believe you are currently in the arms of Bagoas, I still know that I would be dead now without you. While I sit here, wondering over things, I wonder if I should be doing something different. Maybe it is not you that have waned away from our love. Perhaps I have pushed you away. I am not sure how I have accomplished such a feat, but now I have something else to ponder as I await your return. As always, I am yours, and yours alone for you to treasure when you come back to me. _

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He slammed the door and then grabbed the closest thing that he could find. He hurled the jug of wine against the wall. The Persian pottery shattered and maroon wine flew against the wall. Drops slid down the wall and joined the rest of the wine on the marble floor. Cursing he grabbed a cup and threw it as well. For a moment he let his chest heave as he breathed heavily. Then he strode further into the room and threw his dagger onto his bed. It was only then that he noticed the balcony drapery blowing in the wind. Instantly he stopped and tried to sooth his own anger.

"Is something wrong," Alexander asked. He looked like a wraith, pale, as the moonlight shone down upon him. Below his eyes were dark circles worse than those that had formed from childish fights years ago. For the first time Cassander was beginning to feel bad for him. He had so much to accept, and so little time to do it, especially with the Companions jumping down his throat constantly as if they never cared at all for him. They just wanted to go home for their own selfish reasoning. They should all be killed for such actions.

"No," he answered his king, no, his friend. Alexander nodded, or at least he almost did. His head barely moved and one would have missed it if they were not looking straight at him. Perhaps if they blinked they would miss the gesture.

"I could hear you coming," Alexander said quietly. Cassander was looking him over, and mostly looking behind him, and slightly around the room. He couldn't see the book of Hephaestion's letters anywhere. Alexander must have noticed because he almost grinned as he spoke. "I left it in my room. I thought that I should make some sort of an appearance."

"Your generals are playing cards," he gibed. Alexander did not move or speak. Instead he turned and stared out at Ecbatana from the balcony. Sensing that there was something wrong with him still being in the room, Cassander stepped out onto the balcony. In truth, he hated doing so, for he had vowed never to step foot on a balcony again.

"They are still there, if you would like to make an appearance."

"No," he said solemnly, shaking his head slightly. Cassander noticed how he folded one hand over the other on the railing. His knuckles were worn from where he ran his palm over them. Many would have thought he was nervous. Yet Cassander knew Alexander just needed to feel something. Even if the feeling happened to be the sting of rubbed off flesh being rip from his knuckles.

"I heard you speaking to them," he added out of nowhere. "I thought for a moment that I would go in. Yet, when I heard you, I knew that I could not."

"They do still admire you."

"Perhaps. I am sure in some way they do but no longer are they what I thought them to be. None of them are. At least you are still the same. Older and wiser, maybe harder on the outside, but you have not changed in the mind."

"I suppose I haven't."

There was then silence. As the silence continued it made Cassander ache all the more. He wished that he could have traded places with Hephaestion. There was nothing in this world that he held on to like Alexander held to Hephaestion. Together they were everything. Apart they were nothing. Cassander felt as if he should have somehow changed their fates and closed the rift that was now consuming Alexander. He never would be able to though. Perhaps he had failed Alexander.

"How did you end up here," Alexander then asked.

"In my room? I left, and I came here to sleep."

"No," he said quietly, clearing up the question. "I mean how did you end up here, in Ecbatana. What made you follow a foolish king across the world?"

"I know no foolish king."

At least this brought some hope to Alexander's eyes. Cassander saw it even if the king did not feel it. It took him a moment to think. Alexander had asked him something he was not prepared to answer. He knew why he had come. Yet he was not sure if it was a good enough reason. He was not sure if it was the answer that Alexander was looking for. Yet, since he had nothing else to say, he spoke the truth.

"I followed you," he said, his voice lowering as he let out a breath and drew in another one, "because I believed in Hephaestion."

"What?"

Alexander was looking at him now. It made Cassander uncomfortable. He glanced down at his own hands. Then he awkwardly looked out at the darkened city of Ecbatana. Alexander did not push him for more. He let him think of the words. Suddenly, he stopped thinking though. When he did, the words came to him like they never had before.

"It was not that I did not trust you. Yet we all wondered about your reasoning to leave Macedonia. Some thought it was to escape your mothers, others to honor your father, and I thought you may want to get yourself killed in an honorable way because you did not have the guts to kill yourself and go down in history as a fool. We all came with you for different reasons. Ptolemy because his father made him, Seleucus because he wanted glory, Perdiccas for the gold, and then Meleager came because he had nothing else to do. Foolish reasons, all of them, but reasons none the less."

"I came," he continued, "because of the only good reasoning. Hephaestion was the first one to pack his things, the first to announce he was going with you, while the rest of us debated it. When I saw him, confident in you because he believed in you, I found faith in what you wanted us to do. I said to myself that if Hephaestion trusted you with his life, for he was the wisest of us all I believe even though no one gave him the credit, then I could trust you with my life. He never hesitated, so when he did not, my hesitation ceased."

Silence came over them again. Cassander glanced over at Alexander. There was a tear in his eye and Cassander did not comment on it. Instead he just reached out and wiped the tear away with his thumb. He then made the space between them again and went back to being silent.

"Thank you," Alexander whispered.

"Alexander," he asked after a moment. "What brought you here, to my room?"

"Because," he said quietly as he began to make his exit, "someone believed in you too."

Cassander watched him go. He wondered when life would come back to him. Sighing he stared out at Ecbatana for a few more minutes. He then decided to call it a night and he spread out over his bed. He did not even bother to change. He just wanted to sleep.

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**Historical** **Notes**:

I am not sure if the Macedonians really played what I make look like 'poker'. We know that they had card games, because I have read them in other fictions, but whether or not it was poker-like as I represented it, I am not sure.

2) The Companions I have named in this book are Cassander, Perdiccas, Meleager, Craterus, Seleucus, Ptolemy, Antigonus, and Lysimachus. That was just incase anyone needed them sorted out. Sorry if the ones less mentioned confused anyone. But yes, these were all favored generals of Alexander.


	7. Bessus and Aristotle

Title: "Letters"

Author: Baliansword

Chapter: 7, "Bessus and Aristotle"

H/N: In 329 BC, Alexander captured Bessus. For those of you that do not know (just incase, you never know who reads these I guess) Bessus betray Darius and killed him. That is a very watered down version, but that was it. Because he was so low, Alexander decided to torture him in a very interesting way. He tied Bessus' limbs to two separate trees that were stretched together. He then cut the bonds, and the trees pulled apart, tearing Bessus limb from limb. That is what Hephaestion writes about in the first letter below.

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_Alexander, Summer, 329_

_Do you ever find it hard to sleep at night as I do? _

_I know what we do in battle. We kill because if we do not kill, then we will be killed. It is only the way of things. I kill for you because you are my king. I would kill for you if you asked me to outside of a battle I believe too. However, it still haunts me at times. _

_Sometimes when I sleep I see those that I have killed. I want it to leave my mind but I know why it does not. If it were to leave, then we would never remember it would we? Tonight was worse. I thought of Bessus tonight as you slept beside me. I am not sure how I did not wake you, for when I opened my eyes it was clear that I had thrashed around quite a bit. I suppose it was the wine you drank. Overall, I am glad that you did not wake. Never would I tell you that I am this weak. _

_Bessus deserved the fate of death. I do not argue that because to do so would mean that all killers and betrayers should be freed. That is almost every criminal to walk the lands. However, maybe you were too harsh. Or perhaps I should not have watched his execution. _

_Will I ever sleep again? I wonder as I write this. I cannot imagine not being able to sleep an entire night. However, you do not stir. Should I not stir as well? Alexander, why do the gods curse me as they do? They gift me you, and I can never truly have you. They give me the strength to give you everything that you want from me as a general. However, then to spite me, they make me weak so that I cannot live with what I have done. _

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_Alexander,_

_I am beginning to think that Jaxartes is where our favor stops. There are no elements helping us now. The gods have even turned away from the armies. What is this place? _

_Alexander, for the first time, I think that I do not want to fight. _

_When can we go back?_

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_Alexander, _

_Again the men ask me when we can go back. They tell me to speak with you because they know that I can help influence you. I told them that I would. Yet I have not brought it up. None of the times that I have said I would have I done so. It makes me a liar to them, if they found out I suppose, but I do not care. I cannot make you go back. I see how badly you want to go forward and I cannot tell you that we should not go further. _

_It would be wise. It would be the right thing to do. You should do as many suggest and strengthen Babylon. From there you can rule what you already have. But again, how can I crush your dreams? _

_For what other dreams do you have Alexander, if not these? _

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"You," Alexander whispered as he stared down at the page. "I dreamt of you Hephaestion."

He shut the book, for he could not bear to go on further. He sat for a moment thinking of nothing. He did nothing. He just ceased to exist. Then he stood and went to his door. He pulled it open and saw a young page walking down the hallway. He called out and the young boy stopped. His eyes grew wise and he tried to prostrate himself before Alexander.

"No," Alexander said quickly. "There is no need to do that now. It is late. You should be sleeping. Would you do me a favor though?"

"Of course my lord Alexander!"

"Get me a scribe," he ordered. His voice was still firm. He was still the king. The page nodded and scurried off. Alexander was not in the mood to write by himself. Usually when he was not in the mood he would dictate letters to Hephaestion. However, he could no longer do that. Only when he entered his room did he think of something else.

"Wait," he said as he reentered the hall. The page was luckily still in range and heard him. He slid to a stop and then turned. It was clear that he was frightened. Alexander supposed that he should not have yelled. When he gave a new order, the page nodded, then ran off once more. This time Alexander could not call him back.

"Get me Cassander instead!"

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"Write down what I say," the king said as Cassander sat down. Cassander picked up a pen and twirled it for a moment. He hated writing. It was not a gift that he had. He supposed that he would be able to write what Alexander spoke. Yet even doing that was nothing great.

"Aristotle," Alexander began. Cassander wrote the name. No, it was not that bad, not yet. But then Alexander continued and the pain began.

"Aristotle, my dearest teacher in all things, I have now learned the lesson you said you hoped I never would. I understand what it is like now to see life through hollow eyes. By now I am sure that you have already heard of Hephaestion's death. As you know, his death surely means my death as well.

"I know what loss is now, not like that of my father or my men, but instead of the only thing in the world that I have ever lover. What I failed to realize that I know now is that I was not guaranteed his love. He gave it to me freely and I took it and did not give my own back in turn. I believed what I did was good enough. Such a lesson you never told me how to handle.

"While I am not in Ecbatana I wish to be in Pella, years ago. That is where the hollows in the eyes of men come and I understand your teachings now. We both know that Hephaestion listened far better than I. Aristotle, you taught me so much, and I feel that now I must give you something back. I shall tell you something that you should tell all youth that you come across.

"My message, my teaching, is simple. If you love something, then do not shadow it in your heart. You must let it grow in the light of the sun as if it is a rose, for shadows only kill. It is when you have nothing that you realize you before had the greatest possession of them all.

"Due to Hephaestion's death I am hollow. I do not believe that I shall be able to go long without him. I feel life slipping away from me as you said Achilles did after the death of Patroclaus. My friend, should I never return to tell you how much I appreciated you, know that I did. Know also that I found the faith you told me to look for. Know, above all, that there are no great men. I myself and not great. For imperfection lines us all. Definition comes only from what you have done in your life, but definition only comes from love, and I fear I did not love enough in my life. I should have conquered my heart before I tried to conquer the world."

Silence again. Cassander was not sure what to say. He wrote the letter out and then stared at the drying ink. There was nothing he could say to such a letter.

"Have it sent out," Alexander said. "It will be the last task I give you."

"Alexander, do not speak like that."

Nothing more was said though. Alexander was silent. Taking his cue to leave Cassander did just that. After doing to he made sure that the letter was given to the best courier that Alexander had working for him. Then, he went back to sleep.


	8. Roxanne

Title: "Letters" 

Author: Baliansword

Chapter: 8, "Roxanne"

H/N: The letter below is coming from 328 BC. During this year Alexander campaigned in Bactra, where he met Roxanne. Of course, as you know, he married her. Hephaestion, of course, was taken aback by this. Historically Alexander also asked many of his men, especially his closest generals, to marry Bactran and Persian women. This was Alexander's idea of uniting the kingdoms. However, these letters show that perhaps it got Alexander no further with his goal.

A/N: As always, I love your reviews. I must say a special thank you to **Arlad** who has reviewed all of my chapters up to date. I greatly appreciate the input. Everyone else, of course, thank you too! Without my readers I would be nothing.

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_Alexander, _

_There is a great deal for me to say that I fear I never will. Arriving here has been the best, and the worst, thing ever to come between us. I gave you the ring today, the one which I have been carrying since Siwah. I still remember the words that the man I bought it from recited to me. Even though they were fresh in my mind, when I presented the ring to you, I know that I messed up every word. I could feel myself shaking and I am sure that you did too. I know however, that what I did say, I meant with all of my heart. _

_To me, you are the sun. I wake thinking of only you, knowing that there would be no world for me without you, and I fall asleep knowing that the next day I shall wake the same. There is nowhere that I have ever wanted to be apart from by your side. I shall never wish to be elsewhere either. For the stars, which you say that I am, are always chasing the sun. They try to catch one another, constantly following, and never stopping even when they grow restless. That is why they still love one another. _

_That is why I still love you. I continue to pursue you across these lands, never leaving your side, knowing that if I were to do such I would loose you. I cannot loose you to this world that you love so much so I remain in it. I remain even when I wonder what it would be like to stop or go back. Yes, I am like the stars, for I never stop. There is no need to because you are all that I have. I still love you because I have never truly had you. _

_You may think and say that I belong to only you. Yet I know better and I am content with it Alexander. For too many years I sat thinking of how to contain you. Now, being older and wiser from all of this perhaps, I know better. You can never be caged and I was wrong to want you to be. You are a free spirit, just like the sun, and you will never be caged for it would only bring about your death. So I shall not cage you. Instead, I follow, and I do so knowing I can never own you. _

_Since you are not mine, I love you all the more I realize. Everyday I wake and I think of another reason for you to need me. I think of another way to make you want me. If ever I knew that you would never perhaps not need me, I would not worry so much. Then, since I would stop working so hard, you truly would not need me. Then the sun and the stars would collide and there would be nothing left to work for. So I vow to work for our love until the day that I die and beyond that is necessary. _

_I gave you the ring today because the perfect time I was looking for never came. I should have given it to you in so many places. I should have given it to you in Siwah when you were ecstatically rhapsodic about the words of the oracle. Again I should have given it to you when we claimed Babylon or Persepolis as your own. There were so many times I could have gifted it to you. Yet each time I was either too nervous, too afraid perhaps that it was too bold of me, or even worse. Perhaps I believed, and always have, that you do not love me. _

_I know that you do though. Yet at times I wonder. Today I wondered as I watched you kneel down and place your hand over hers. Roxanne is something that I cannot even begin to put into words. I feel foolish now for complaining about Bagoas when I see her. He was a threat in his own way. I thought that he could hold onto a piece of your heart as I desperately try to do. Yet suddenly I see her. Never will I tell you what I see in her though. Not when I am breathing at least. Perhaps now I am not though, if you are reading this and I have not lost it, and now you will know. _

_I am a coward for not saying it to you. This I know and I hope that you will be able to forgive me in your heart. When it comes to leading a legion and charging into the face of battle for you I am not afraid. Yet when I comes to seeing her I am and I know that for such I am weak. But she is not just another woman that you have claimed as your own. She is something different. _

_She is your mother, Alexander. That is what I see when I look at her. You see the fire burning bright inside of her and call her spirited. You think that maybe she can challenge you where I cannot because I do not have the spirit that you do. However, I do not look at her and see spirit. Instead I see in her what has driven you slightly mad already if not completely so. I see Olympias in her every step, her every breath, her every look, touch, glance, and action. _

_Roxanne's eyes are cold and heartless but you do not see it yet. You look past it because you think perhaps that you could love her. I wish that you could. I truly do because I know that is what you want. Yet, even now, I know that you never will. It is not in you to conform and that is precisely what you have tried to do. _

_Your officers, who you call your friends but I am weary of, tell you that you need an heir. They have been saying this for years. I knew the day would come that you would take a wife. It did, it came with Barsine, and when it did I was still glad for you. But at the same time I think I was glad because I knew she was nothing to you. I knew she did not rival me for your heart. When they encouraged you, they never encouraged Roxanne though. _

_There were only two people that supported your decision to wed Roxanne, Cassander and I, not that it would ever matter what any of us said. Still, I think you conformed. You did not want to marry. I do not think you would even have married her if not for such nagging requests. Perhaps you would have bedded her and taken her with us. Wed, I never think it would have been an option for you. _

_You do not see it now, but she is what you have run from for all this time. I am not going to tell you these things when you ask me what I think of her. Instead, I will say what I have continued to say. I will tell you that I believe she is a perfect match for the empire. Notice how I have never said a match for you. Just for the empire. Because I suppose that she has the possibility of uniting Bactra and Alexander's Empire. _

_Doing only what you think is right you have given us all wives, or at least most of your generals. I thank you for thinking it was necessary to betroth me as well. However, you know that I love only you. It would be unfair for me to tell my wife to be that I will love her and cherish her. I cannot lie to her. I will not love and cherish her. I will love and cherish only you. I will honor only you. I will be loyal and faithful only to you. So how could I tell her such? Protect her and make sure her needs are seen to, that I can do, but I cannot love her. I am able to love only you. _

_What you do not know is that it will never work. The marriages will work only in your presence. Apart from that they will all fail. I know for example that Cassander would never marry a Bactran or a Persian if you were not to force him to do so. Sleep with them, yes, we know that he would. However he would never marry one. I agree with your intentions. Yet I know that, at the same time, it will not work. Never can I say it so bluntly to you. But if you listen closely to my words you would know that it is what I am saying. _

_I find myself unable to do anything at the moment. I watched the wedding and found myself glad for you. Not for myself, but for you, which is all that I have ever wanted –for you to be happy. Yet afterwards I could not enjoy myself at the lavish feast you held. I could not speak to you, since on one side sat Roxanne, and on the other Bagoas. Both of them could only remind me of the pain that fills my heart, the sorrow that now controls me, even though I try not to give in to it. Since I cannot speak to you and there is no one else here I wish to spend my time with, I sit alone and listen to the silence of the night. _

_Perhaps we have never heard such a silence. There have of course been nights when I have done this same thing. Yet there was always some sort of sound. There were either the call of the coastal waves nearby, or perhaps the bugs, or even my steady breathing and the beating of my heart. Tonight when I say it is silent I mean it in every way imaginable. I cannot hear any coast for I do not believe I shall ever see one again, which further saddens me, for I did love the breaking waves against the rocky cliffs. Nor do I hear the hum of a single bug, even the ones that bite, and I would wish for them to come even though the sound agitates me. Yet for the first time I cannot breathe, and I can no longer hear my heart beating. I think, that at least for tonight, you have killed me. _

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Cassander felt something shake him. Already he knew who it was, but he decided that if he continued to try to sleep he would go away. He was shaken once more before he finally grabbed a pillow and covered his head with it, mumbling that he was not intending to wake. However, he was once again shaken and this time he threw the pillow at the culprit.

"Would you give me some peace," he screamed, angry.

"There is not time for peace," the king said gloomily as he shook him once more. Cassander moaned and batted at him for a moment before finally he rolled onto his back. He muttered that he was getting up and Alexander left his side for a moment. Immediately Cassander closed his eyes, yet water suddenly was thrown upon him.

"Alexander! Have you lost your mind!"

"Probably, but you need to get up."

"I am not penning anything for you. We have plenty of scribes," he yawned as he rolled over despite the fact he was now sopping wet. "They wake up early for you all the time. Leave me alone."

"Cassander," he said in a commanding tone, "get up, now!"

Cassander forced himself out of bed. It was a good thing that he was still wearing his clothes from the night before. Rubbing sleep from his eyes he followed Alexander down the hallway. They continued for what seemed like hours as he rubbed his eyes, yawned, and tried to wake himself up in every way he could. Finally Alexander stopped, pulling him onto a balcony. Cassander stood as his side, waiting for something, yet he said nothing.

Finally it happened. The sun began to peak over the horizon in wondrous colors of red, orange, and yellow. Cassander let his breath release and he continued to watch until the sun was up. It was a blazing ball of natural beauty. Yet, as soon as it had risen, he glanced at Alexander.

"Was that what you woke me for?"

Alexander only nodded.

"Oh."


	9. Sogdia and Bactra

Title: "Letters" 

Author: Baliansword

Chapter: 9, "Sogdia and Bactra"

A/N: Thank you again for the reviews. **Angstman**- the answer to your question will be found in this chapter. As always, reviews and comments are always appreciated. Enjoy everyone!

H/N: The below chapter will be the finished summary of the year 328 BC. In the Autumn, Cleitus was murdered by Alexander at Samarcand. I am going to base the events on those in the film. Meaning to those that may not have seen it, that Cleitus will mock and taunt Alexander, and then Alexander will kill him. Also, historically after this Alexander locked himself away for days, willing to see no one, perhaps because of the shame he felt for making such a drunken mistake. In the winter Alexander went on to capture the Sogdian Rock and the Rock of Chorienes, which were both Sogdian strongholds.

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"That was what he wanted to do," Alexander uttered quietly after a long moment of silence. Cassander was barely able to hear him. Yet he turned his head so that he could look at the broken spirit beside him. This was the Alexander that the known world had come to fear. The thought saddened Cassander, for he no longer was Alexander at all it seemed. Instead he was just like all of the men; a broken and battered soul that longed for home, where perhaps rest and peace would come to fulfill the emptiness found across the world.

"The day that he died," Alexander continued. An ache filled his voice that Cassander hoped he would never have to feel. He had been with Alexander for years and heard every tone he thought the man had. He'd heard grief and despair before, pain and anger, but never something this tormenting. As Alexander paused he knew that he was not going to continue, that the pain was too much, so he did the unthinkable. He placed a hand over Alexander's to comfort him.

"Tell me," he asked quietly, feeling for the first time that he too could feel. And he knew that he had Hephaestion to thank for it. It was a dreary thought, to say the least, to know that the death of a friend had given life to you. Yet he knew that in Hephaestion's death he had found a reason to live. So perhaps Hephaestion had made the ultimate sacrifice in some way, but given the greatest gift back in return.

"I didn't remember it until today," Alexander said, his voice drifting out to the open winds as if they too would travel home to find peace. "The day that he died, I went to his room in the morning. Do you remember what he was like, when he was ill?"

"A complete pain in the ass, sending his own physicians away, only to grow sicker," Cassander answered. Alexander smiled slightly for he knew that it was true. Hephaestion had been completely stubborn.

"Yes. He slept a lot, the last few days. But I went that morning," he went on, "and he woke when I took his hand in mine. He said that he wanted to see the sunrise, just once more. I didn't believe him. I laughed, and I told him that he would have the chance to see plenty more. I promised him in fact that the next day I would come, early, and I would wake him so that he could see it. I should have believed him. I should have known that he of all people would know if death was waiting for him."

"It would have done you no good to believe him."

"I never would have left."

"Yes," disagreed Cassander. "You would have gone because he would have told you to go. You know how much Hephaestion loved you. He loved you enough to give you away to the world."

"I know," he said with a nod. "But I never got to show it to him. The sun rising over Ecbatana. So I thought that you should see it instead. You've never seen the sun rise."

"No," he chuckled as he removed his hand from Alexander's. He turned, so that he could face the king, and laughed slightly once more. "I would prefer to still be sleeping. Yet, it was worth it, if it brings you some peace."

"I won't ever find peace again."

"You will find it," Cassander said as he leaned forward and placed a kiss to Alexander's temple, as they had done as friends years ago. He then put space between them once more. Reaching out he ran a hand over his golden hair, straightening the askew strands. "You will find it because Hephaestion would expect no less from you. Keep reading, for in the end I know that all will be well with you. He had a power to make you well."

"Go read," Cassander then said as he stepped off of the balcony and back into the hallway, where servants were now making their rounds. "I will stall the Companions."

"How are you going to do that?"

"Who knows. Maybe I'll kill someone and pin it on one of them," he said, his tone completely serious. Alexander continued to stare at him though. Sighing, he shrugged. "Fine, I will do something else. Just, please, get better."

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_Alexander, Autumn of 328_

_Samarcand. Cleitus is dead. I do not know what else to say. _

_It was not all your fault. He should have known better than to taunt you so, I think. He knew what you were. He knew that you were not those things he said. He did love you, Alexander, like a second father. I'm not sure if he deserved what you did though. In fact, I don't think any of us agreed with it. Apart from maybe Cassander, who has been quarreling with many of the Companions. Even he was shocked though. I think we all are. They don't feel safe with you anymore. _

_I trust you. I always have and I always will. You should know that. Because I sense that you are going to believe that I too am against you. None of us are truly against you though. We just want to understand you. We want to help you because we fear for you. Perhaps this is all too much. _

_There is only one thing that I wish now, more than anything. I wish that it would have never happened. I laugh, even at myself, because I know there are hundreds of things we wish never had happened. Maybe I should have been stronger than you, and held you back, where I failed to tonight. If I had held you back, it never would have happened. _

_So no, I do not blame you. For how could I blame you when really I blame myself? If I had given you that extra goblet of wine, maybe things would have been different. The more I think about the events of this night the more I believe I could have prevented it. I should have been able to protect you from this but I didn't. _

_I'm sorry Alexander. _

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_Alexander, _

_Again today you have not left your room. We all worry for you. I think the others are beginning to grow anxious though. At first we all spoke of you. Yet now I enter a room and they are silent. There is something going on that I don't even have the energy to look into. I fear that I am too concerned about you and your well being. _

_Cassander, who I still think is the only person apart from you I can trust here, watches me. I know he does because I have seen him do so. Today I think he tried to tell me something. They were all speaking when I entered the room and hushed when they heard me. He shifted his eyes, blatantly, and directed them at Craterus. I don't know what he meant by it. But I know that he meant something. _

_Maybe he protects you too. _

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_Alexander, _

_You have done everything that you have said you were going to do. You have nothing left to take but the Indus it seems. That will come later though, I am sure. I heard something about you today. I was walking amongst some of the survivors of the raid of the Sogdian Rock. There was a young boy, who reminded me of myself, that I saw. _

_I think you would have liked him. He had my eyes, just green, yet sparkling the same at the mention of your name. I spoke to him because he seemed to be the only child that was smiling and not afraid. He told me that he was waiting for the Great Alexander to come to Sogdia. He was waiting because his dream was to be your page so that he could see the world and help you unite it as the Lord Hephaestion did. _

_I asked him what he knew of Hephaestion, since he'd already told me everything about you. I laugh, because maybe he knows more about you than I do. Yet when he began to speak of Hephaestion, of me, he was even more excited. He said that Hephaestion was, "Alexander's lover in all ways, and therefore the wisest man of all the scholars." _

_I continued to pry, because I had nothing else to do, and because the young boy interested me. So I asked him what his statement meant. He said that Hephaestion, again me, was not only Alexander's dearest friend but also his favorite general, and his lover. It was rather endearing to hear him say it so boldly. He said any man that would love Alexander and never fault him was the wisest of all. I asked why and he said, "All men have faults, but it takes the best man to overlook all of them." _

_I liked the boy. He made me smile because he couldn't continue to look at me for any deal of time. I know what he was doing because when I was young I did the same thing. He was waiting for you to ride up on Bucephalus, the famed horse he held a carved wooden toy of. Honestly, he reminds me of me, which makes me smile I suppose. _

_I'm going to remember to talk to you in the morning about him. His name is Arladoas. I think he would make a fine page. I cannot believe I am thinking it, but he would even make a suitable friend for Bagoas. They look about the same age. So perhaps you will be in need of another page, or at least another hand around here. I cannot forget him. _

_"Hephaestion," said Cassander as he rode up. It was then that the boy's eyes suddenly got huge. I took off my helmet and handed it to the boy. I told him to hold it for me while I spoke to Cassander. I think that he almost feinted. Which, I felt bad for. But to see the look on his face, which was priceless, I fear I would do it again. _

_When Cassander was done briefing my on what your orders were, which I already knew, I went back to Arladoas and took my helmet from him. Immediately he was standing, looking at me for the first time, yet saying nothing. I looked down at him once more and told him that I would put a word in for him. That's what I did today that meant something. I made his day. Which, in turn, made mine. _

_Maybe uniting the world is not as hard as you think it is. Perhaps it is just what I have done today. Showing someone that you care, maybe that is all it takes to make such bonds. Perhaps you will face great uprisings from the elders of this world. Yet I have no doubt, when the youth of today like Arladoas rise and become the power holders in their villages, they will gladly serve you. I think they are the future that you see. _

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Cassander continued to look over the pile of scrolls that were sitting before him. He knew that Alexander was in no shape to do such a thing. Usually it was Hephaestion who would do this sort of thing. It was no great secret for the Companions had sensed that was what happened. Cassander had never minded because he knew that Alexander and Hephaestion shared the same mind, more or less. He gave Hephaestion credit though, for this was not as simple as he would have thought it would be.

"Here," said a friendly voice as a plate was set down before Cassander. It was still early for lunch but with waking so early he felt thrown off. He glanced up at the boy that had set the chicken down and nodded. It was just as the boy was about to step out the door that he was stopped.

"Arladoas," Cassander said as he sat there. The page stopped and turned, looking obediently at Cassander. With pen still in hand, Cassander glanced back down at the parchment. "You know Greek, I presume?"

"Yes, Alexander had it taught to me."

"Good," he said with a sigh. "I need your help then. What does the word _acquiesce_ mean?"

"It is another word for comply," laughed the page. Cassander took his pen and on one of the table settings, which were too fine to eat off of let alone write on, and scrawled out the meaning of the word.

"What about _dominion?_ What else does that mean?"

"Ascendancy, sovereignty, nation, government, reign, or domination I believe. It would just depend on what you are reading."

"We would comply with Alexander's," he paused as he looked at the list of words he'd written on the table setting. He cracked a few knuckles then read the sentence out loud once more. "We would comply with Alexander's sovereignty over our lands, and would such provide him with the military supplies he would need, as well as other needed staples."

"Sounds good," the young boy said. "Is there anything else you need?"

"No," Cassander said as he looked over the sentence once more. "If I need anything I will call for you. So stay close because these bastards put words in here that no one uses."

"I assure you, they are quite common."

"Still, I sense they word it so that they can default on their bargains."

The boy chuckled slightly and left the room, glad that he was doing something. If Alexander had not taken him in, he did not know where he would be now. But at least those Greek lessons had come in handy. As he entered the kitchen he spotted Bagoas and flashed him a perfect smile.

"I still don't see why you don't like him," Arladoas said.

"You missed a great deal," was all that Bagoas said as he grabbed what he was looking for. Arladoas watched him go. He still could not figure out why Bagoas refused to get along with Cassander, and why he refused to say Hephaestion's name now that he was dead, even though he cursed his name plenty while he was living. Sighing, he boy sat back down before his own meal, and continued to read Hephaestion's copy of the _Iliad_, which he had given to him in his last will. It was a wonderful story, no matter how familiar it seemed.

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A/N: As always, reviews and comments, or even questions are welcome. Until the next update, I wish everyone the best of times.

**Arlad: Thanks so much for your dedicated reviews and comments. I added an _oas_ to your penname and hope that such is okay with you for naming my new character. If not, don't be afraid to let me know, and I shall change it immediately if it is not to your liking. **

Angstman: I hope that your question was answered in the above. I would have written to you sooner, yet your review left no way for me to get in contact with you.


	10. A Winter Apart

Title: "Letters" 

Author: Baliansword

Chapter: 10, "A Winter Apart"

A/N: Thanks again to my lovely reviewers. As always, love the comments. Reviews always help and so forth so feel free to drop one off when you finish this chapter.

Phai6688: I just got your review for chapter 8. Thank you so much, and perhaps there will be more than friendship. We'll have to see. However, I do tend to do some odd things with Cassander that others don't.

H/N: This chapter takes place in 327. Alexander and Hephaestion separated during this year. Alexander took his campaigns to Swat. Hephaestion, on the other hand, went to the Indus to prepare for Alexander's return. The two do not unite until the spring of 326. Therefore, this chapter is written while Alexander and Hephaestion are not apart. Since Hephaestion did in fact write letters to Alexander over this time, this chapter becomes tricky to write. For this story's purpose, the below letters will be the letters that Hephaestion never sent.

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"What are you doing," he asked as he sat down beside Cassander. It was the first time that he had left his room in some time. Cassander did not even glance up though. Not only had he heard him enter, but he also knew that eventually Alexander would wander back into the world. There were now plenty or Persian place settings ruined with stains. Black ink took away from their beautiful golden patterns. However, Cassander felt like he was getting somewhere.

"I am going over these concords," he told him. "Notice the word _concord_. It is merely another word for treaty. Much like pact, agreement, settlement, covenant, and convention."

"Did I wake you too early," Alexander said as he placed his hands over the leather bound book placed on the table before him. He placed his head against the book and blinked a few times. Cassander laughed and shook his head.

"I have just found a new appreciation for words. I think I have found a new respect for Hephaestion. Anyway, what brings you out of your lair?"

"I got hungry."

"Well," he said with a laugh. "At least you're still alive. I'll call for Arladoas."

"No," he said quickly. "I'm not staying here. Just go ahead and tell someone to bring me something. Anything."

"Agreed," Cassander said as he watched Alexander rise. He saw the same beaten down man as he continued to leave the room. Cassander wished there was something he could do. Yet, for now, he was going to deal with this excessively long letter from Thebes.

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_Alexander, 8th of December_ _327_

_There are times when I wonder whether or not you love me. I wondered that when you told me that I would be going to the Indus and you would go to Swat. I wondered for a great deal of time. I thought that if you were sending me away, then it was because you did not want to be with me. Yet I think I understand it as I read your latest letter. _

_You mention the battles you are facing in Swat. I understand that you wish to protect me but I have never wanted that from you. I want only to be loved by you, but I suppose this is what it is. Your love, that is. You keep me here so that I cannot be hurt there. It is appreciated, however, you forget about my love for you. I love you more than anything and without you I am nothing. So here, I am nothing. _

_I am not fit to lead these men as you would have me do because I have one great fault. I find myself thinking of only you. I worry about you and cannot therefore worry about the men here. What would you have me do to prove that I love you? For I have not done enough if I am here. _

_I wish only to protect you Alexander. I cannot do that here. There is nothing here that I can accomplish. However, I will make it done. I will turn this palace and the things here into what you want. Because I love you, I will do it, yet I will worry for you all the while. _

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_Alexander14th of December, 327_

_It has been days and still I have not gotten your letter. I have gotten nothing. There is no news, no letter, absolutely nothing. I don't think I am breathing. I think I am loosing my mind here without you. I cried myself to sleep last night for no real reason other than the fact that I was unsure of your safety. _

_Nothing can happen to you while I am here. Please, don't let anything happen. I would never forgive myself if something terrible happened. I think only of you and I fear that if I cannot protect you no one will. The only thing I can think of to benefit my concerns is that Cassander is with you. If he protects you as I hope he does, maybe things will be alright after all. _

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_Alexander,_

_Winter continues and there is nothing from you. Your letters grow fewer and fewer. I know that you are busy. But I can also see that maybe I am not all that you have on your mind. How is it that I think only of you and you think so little of me? Perhaps this too is part of loving you. _

_I wait for you. As always. _


	11. The Indus and Malli

Title: "Letters"

Author: Baliansword

Chapter: 11, "The Indus and Malli"

A/N: As always I appreciate the reviews. I know, I get a little sad when I write this, because it is rather hard to swallow. But thank you so much for the support.

H/N: This takes place in 326 BC where Alexander united his forces at the Indus. Which means he got reunited with Hephaestion! Also, the army later goes to Malli where Alexander overthrows the power there and takes it for his own.

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"Here," Cassander said as he placed the plate down on the bed. He held the cup of watered wine in his hand and decided to carefully set it down on the stand next to the bed. Alexander barely noticed his presence. He was instead turning through pages of the volume that seemed perhaps would be never ending. Cassander paused for a moment before he decided that he would say nothing more. It was then, however, that Alexander glanced up as if he had just noticed Cassander was in the room.

The desperation in his eyes was enough to make Cassander falter in the steps he was taking to leave. Pausing, he looked at his friend, and found himself stopping. He stood quietly and turned further around to face Alexander. There was silence between them, yet their eyes were telling tales to one another that others would never know. Taking a step closer, Cassander sat carefully at the edge of the bed. Silently he then placed his hand over Alexander's. Then, he did the unthinkable. Cassander leaned closer, and pressed his lips lightly against Alexander's.

"I would take it from you," Cassander whispered against Alexander's cheek. His hand was still resting against Alexander's and the warmth there soothed them both. Cassander did not move for a moment. He merely let his breath linger against Alexander's skin. Again, he softly let words drift over Alexander's flesh. "I would take the pain from you, Alexander, if I could conquer such a feat."

"I know you would," the other whispered back as tears began to descend down his warm cheeks. Crying, he wrapped his arms around Cassander's neck and held him against him. Finally, he sunk against Cassander's chest, and let the tears fall freely. Cassander obligingly wrapped his arms around Alexander and held him, feeling each shake against his chest as the king sobbed. He was not like any others. He did not loose respect for Alexander when he saw his flooding emotions. Instead, he beheld Alexander the highest he ever had and likely ever would.

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_Alexander,9th of April, 326_

_We have conquered the Indus. That is nothing new to you. However, today I did not want to speak of the Indus when I saw you. There was so much to tell you though. There were so many things I had the men change for you. I myself even constructed some of the new weaponry holds that shall supply you with your newest arms before the invasion of the Mallian. I heard that you would be arriving from the scouts that you sent ahead and in my mind I knew what to tell you. I planned it to be perfect, to be as a general should, and blandly state the changes in the conditions here since you last received word. _

_When I saw you, I could not do that though. Instead I could only gawk at your magnanimous figure as you dismounted Bucephalus. That horse gets older every year, might I add, yet like you never looses any conviction. You dismounted and I believe the world stopped spinning. At least it did in my mind, for I could only look at you. You are breathtaking, as always. _

_We have been apart too long, that I know, yet seeing you felt like the first time. I always enjoy that feeling. Your hair was a golden that I believed I had never seen before. It made your statues, your gold, and all of Persia's treasure look drab. The breeze lifted stray stands of your golden hair and lightly dropped them down against your head once more. In that moment I stopped breathing. _

_Your eyes shone brightly and I thought that perhaps I had never seen them so clearly before. I know that you were not changed. You were still the only thing to look at. When you let go of Bucephalus to let him be led away you then turned your head and cast your eyes upon me. Not only did your eyes smile at me, but also your lips upturned in the same manned, and I felt as if my heart stopped beating. Again, you are breathtaking. You are my demise._

_I would fall for you all over again. In fact, I do ever time that I see you. At times I know that you worry about what my heart feels. You shouldn't fear such things. There is only you in my life, and as my demise, I would never ask for you to change. You think that we must stay young and as we are for now. I would never want you to think you must be as you are now. _

_Over the years you have aged. You have never changed for anything but the better though. As I saw you, brighter and in a shining glorious light, I knew that and remembered it once more. The years have aged you but they only make you all the more admirable. Never would you to me be an _old eyesore _as you joked to me months ago. There is nothing old about you for everyday you wake, you look as if you have just been given life, and that you have only one day to make the best of it. At no time have I thought you anything but ravishing. In no way could you be anything but that to me. _

_Oh Alexander, I fear that I failed you today before your men. We both know what they think of me, and what they claim. Perhaps I am not meant to be general. However, I know at other times that I should not let their hatred go to my head. Because they think I do not strive for my position I know that I strive more than ever. I do it for you though, not for myself. I do it for you, because I love you, and you would accept nothing less than perfection from me or the closest thing to it. I fear though, that when I find myself breathless before you that I have not contained my emotions as you would have me do. _

_There is so much I wish that I could explain to you. Yet when I try you either silence me with tender kisses, of which I never would complain, or I cannot manage to find the words before you are speaking more of your dreams. There is so much to say and I dread that there will never be the time. In my actions I hope that you at least know that I still desire you after all this time. Even though we are no longer young, and our love cannot be let loose so freely, I still love you and only you. I would trade our time together for nothing. _

_You are right when you say that there are things I may never understand about you. When you say such, you do so with smiles and laughs, joking to soothe your own fears. You say it in such a way in hopes not to frighten me either. You are right though, in those jests. There are things I shall never understand about you. Yet I do not fear those things. I simply accept them because that is what love is. It is being unafraid of even what I will never know. _

_Know that you are beautiful to me now and forever, Alexander. Today as you wrapped your arms around me I felt safer than I ever have. Finally we are together again and I wish never to be separated from you. If I never say that I love you, in the way that you want though, know only that I do love you. There is so much for me to say to you. So much I should have said today as you embraced me. Instead, I spoke with my eyes, trying to assure you of my love for you. The many months apart changed nothing at all. _

_Beyond that, I admire you Alexander. I admire the fact that you can love me so easily and I cherish the fact that you can calmly in front of others act as if you do not. There is so much complexity with you. There is everything I love and fear in you because to me you are everything. I love you. I cherish you and regard you above all others. For you I would be stronger if I could, yet cannot, for compared to you I am nothing. And nothing, for now and here on, is all that I would wish to be if it keeps me at your side. _

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"Would you have me take this," asked Arladoas as he reached down and placed a hand on the plate Cassander set on the table. Cassander nodded slightly and Arladoas took the plate away. He was glad that Alexander was eating once more. There was no better news to be heard in the palace, for he had clearly looked for other entertainment. Taking the plate, he entered the kitchen, and set the plate down on a large stack. As soon as he did, the stack began to slide.

"Move," said a woman. She shooed him away with a hand. Arladoas happily began to leave the room. He stepped back into the dining hall and he glanced over at Cassander. Cassander was not there though. Clearly he had gone back to Alexander's room, which was nothing out of the ordinary today.

"Arladoas," he heard a voice say, a voice exiting the kitchen he had just been in. He turned to see the owner, Bagoas. Bagoas carried in a hand a vine of grapes and was taking one purple grape at a time and tossing them carefully into his mouth. As usual he was the perfect portrayal of bewitchment.

"Yes?"

"Do you know where Lord Cassander has gone?"

"No. He had left already. You are too late. Why, is there something that needs his immediate attention?"

"Nothing," Bagoas said with the shake of a head. He then retreated out of the room. Arladoas was no fool. He knew what was causing the eunuch to become worried. Since Hephaestion's death Alexander had rarely seen Bagoas. Arladoas could understand his reasoning for such. When he was being sent for less, and Cassander was being sent for more, naturally he worried. Arladoas only shook his head. There was more pain coming from the minds of the men here than the amount of pain in the entire world combined it seemed.

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_Alexander,22nd of May, 326 _

_Mallus. We have traveled southeast from both Cos and the Halicarnassus campaigns. For the first time you have used your naval forces, and won the land for your own, adding it to your Empire. However, even though I am pleased, I find myself worried. I know that they distrust you, even though the Mallian people claim to have a strong relation to your Greek ancestors. I distrust them still. That is not my biggest fear though. _

_My biggest fear is for you. _

_I sit next to you now, the closest thing I can get to unmoving. I continue to wait for you to come to coherency. The cut at your side is deep but Philip assures me that you will be fine. There are only four stitches only and a salve is wrapped around the wound, pressed tightly against it, protecting it from the infections that linger in the air. I worry for you, because today, you proved again to me many things. _

_You proved that you are always handsome and that not even blood and gore changes such a statement. You proved to me once more that you are not afraid in the face of danger. Again you also proved to me that you are the greatest leader to have lived, and that perhaps ever shall live. Yet once more you proved to me that the other proofs do not protect you from death. Today you proved, above all else, that you are mortal. _

_You can be knocked down, cut, and bloodied just as the rest of the legions. This does not bother me in the slightest. It only makes you greater in my eyes. However, I am afraid for you now. What bleeds can be killed and I saw today that you could be killed, should the worthiest opponent arise. Alexander, for the first time, I want you to stop. I want you to stop now and be happy with the Empire you have already acquired. That is what I want, but I know I shall never have it. _

_Never will you stop. This I know, because I know you like I know my own self. You are Alexander the Great, and that is all that there is to be said. Nothing will ever be enough for you because you believe it should all be yours. The worst thing…is that you deserve it all and it should be all yours. You would not listen to me if I said to return to Babylon and strengthen what you have, to perhaps go back to get the rest of the lands later. That is why I already know I will say nothing to you. _

_Instead I will remain at your side. I will not turn against you, as you would view it, for I am the only one that never would. You do not ask it of me in words yet I know that is what you want. You want me to remain at your side forever, as I have promised to do, and as I shall do. I cannot go against you. I cannot advise you to stop without doing this. So where am I? I am lost. I am completely lost to you. _

_What would you do, if you were I?_

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H/N: I have been researching Alexander's campaign at Mallus. I tried to keep these letters, and the story line, as accurate as possible with my findings. Yet at the same time, things get confusing with different historians arguing events, as well as some of the major details of the battle. Below are the details that I can say are likely the truest of all.

The claiming of Mallus took place after the initial battle for Halicarnassus.

Many of the same battle plans were used against the Mallian.

Alexander suffered a notable injury at Mallus, however, historians are still disagreeing about what. (Believe me, I search for the true answer)

At Mallus, Hephaestion stood by Alexander as he was wounded, and did not leave his side.

Philip, Alexander's physician, was distrusted by some of the men nearest to Alexander and therefore Alexander was told not to trust him.

Officially, I vow to thoroughly research the battle for Halicarnassus, and I am going to write a very accurate fiction –just for anyone that cares.

_A/N: _As always, reviews are a joy. You know the drill!


	12. Nearchus, Craterus, and Carmania

Title: "Letters" 

Author: Baliansword

Chapter: 12, "Nearchus, Craterus, and Carmania"

A/N: Love the reviews, as always. You guys are the reason that I keep writing. Thanks for the dedication. It is always appreciated.

H/N: In 325 Alexander had another big year. For this chapter you need to know that Alexander united his forces in the Indus. He also crushed the Brahman rebellion. Craterus left for Carmania. Alexander later joins Craterus' forces at Carmania. Nearchus makes his own voyage to Gedrosia, where Alexander later meets him. By the end of 325 Alexander takes a short break (a few days really) in Carmania, and then advances in January 324 into Persis.

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He was silent as he stared over the balcony and across the land. The answers were not written in the sands. However, he would have liked it to be so. Instead he just stared out at the world he had striven so hard to create. But what was it worth now? There was no one that would appreciate it as much as Hephaestion would have. Even should Roxanne bring him a legitimate son, that son would never understand, not like Hephaestion had. As he stared out, gazing at absolutely nothing in truth, he heard the door open. Cassander entered the room, just in time to watch the sun set, another miracle of nature that he had not seen in ages.

"Let me ask you something," Alexander said as he shifted his weight. Cassander seemed unaware of the movement. He too was looking out at the horizon. He did not see the blur that Alexander saw though. Instead, he saw each detailed landscape and home, even though he claimed the world here meant nothing to him. He claimed it, as Hephaestion had at times, yet clearly it meant something to him or he would have found a way to leave long ago.

"Do you think that Hephaestion was meant to be here?"

"You must be researching the Brahmins," Cassander replied, yet avoided the question, with a slight laugh. He was unsure how to answer such a question. He could form an opinion, yet, he was not sure what Alexander would think of it. Therefore he would rather not say it at all if he had the opportunity.

"Perhaps," answered Alexander with a nod. "But tell me. What do you think? I want to know."

"Say what you really think," Alexander then nodded after a pause. Cassander let the silence sink in during that time. The uprising of the Brahmins was bringing much into question. It was perhaps the first time that Alexander had needed to sit down and research a culture. He actually had seemed to cherish their culture. They had risen up once before, about a year ago, and were trying to do so again. Alexander was here in Ecbatana though, so he was trying to figure out what message to give his remaining forces…or at least he had been. Now he was concerned only with Hephaestion's letters.

"I believe," stated Cassander, "that this life is all that you get. You get one chance to make it in this world. You are living yours, I am living mine, and Hephaestion lived his life to the fullest."

"You do?"

"I believe he was meant for you, and that you were meant for him. That is what I believe he was here for, if the gods –any gods– have a plan for us. He was here for you and you were for him. Hephaestion used his life by giving it to you, and that was how much he loved you."

"Do you think he knew," he began. He then sucked in a breath and tried to swallow the tears that were choking him. "That I loved him just as much?"

"Yes," Cassander whispered. "He waited for you, you know. I do not think he would have lasted so long had it not been for his love for you."

"Don't say that," he pleaded. He did not want to hear the words. It pained him to think that he was the cause of Hephaestion's death. That was not what Cassander was saying. However, that was how he took it.

"He waited," Cassander whispered quietly. Silently he made sure not to look at Alexander as he said the rest. "You and I both knew him, Alexander. Hephaestion was ill, he was always going to be ill. The physicians told you, he told you, I would stake my life that the oracle at Delphi told you the same things the physicians had said. Had it not been in Ecbatana, it would have been here, or Ares forbid on the plains of Arabia. Hephaestion was meant to die. He was cursed at the beginning."

"No," Alexander said as he sunk down on the balcony. Cassander glanced over at him as he slid down against the cold stone. Alexander wrapped his arms around his knees and cried softly, his body shaking at the same time.

"He was ill," Cassander continued. "Or he was poisoned, if you still believe that. Either way, he died. He sat there though, and he waited for you, because that was what he wanted. He wanted you."

There was silence between the two of them. Cassander stared out at nothing now. Anyone could have looked into his eyes and seen that. Instead, he was thinking of something, something that had already come to pass. Silence lingered between them for some time before finally the silence was interrupted with the faintest words ever spoken.

"I was there."

The words drifted to Alexander but he barely heard them. He looked up, tears burning his eyes, and he stared at Cassander. Cassander nodded his head in a slow manner, but was agreeing to nothing. He just nodded for no apparent reason as he bit his lower lip and tried to still his hand from trembling. Alexander was unable to say anything, and Cassander was still staring off into an abyss that never would exist in the mind of another.

"I was there," he finally whispered again. Alexander could see the blood on his lower lip and the strain of his hand, which was pressed firmly against the railing. He was vulnerable, which distressed him beyond anything he had ever come to face, yet it was his vulnerability that caused Alexander to calm. "That morning, there was no one there. It was just him. He didn't want that."

Slowly Alexander pulled himself up. He said nothing, knowing that Cassander had not even noticed. Instead, Cassander was still standing firmly, yet on the inside he was hollow. Alexander continued to stare at him, and in the faint light of the moon, he saw silver streaks upon his cheeks. They were the deepest wound that Cassander had ever been dealt. They were tears of pain.

"I…There was no reason," he softly said, while shaking his head and in between breaths biting his already bleeding lip. "I just walked in…just him…and he…so I sat…and he wrote…and I sat…then you were sent for…and…then I left…you…and he…he…he…he."

He never finished. Instead he just continued to nod his head and let the tears stream down his cheeks. All the while he continued to grip firmly to the railing and tried so ease the pain by biting his lower lip. The lip that Alexander could now see looked like it had been mangled by a savage jungle cat. For a moment Alexander just stood, and watched him nod. Nodding, and then nodding, and Cassander then nodded as he tilted his head so he could look upon Alexander. He nodded, and said 'he' once more, again not finishing, and Alexander threw his arms around him.

"He…," Cassander finally wailed as he clung to Alexander, who clung just as desperately back. For the first time Alexander heard Cassander show an emotion that was completely voided of any anger. Crying, he sobbed, joking on his own tears. Alexander placed a hand on the back of his head, running it soothingly over his soft locks.

"I know," Alexander soothed quietly as he grieved along with him, and then wrapped his arms firmer around Cassander. "I know."

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_Alexander, _

_They are not so very different from us you know –the Brahmans. They believe as we do, just to a different extent. We have our many gods, and they have their many gods, so in that aspect we are the same. The men do not understand them. You I believe are the only one that tries to because you want to. You want to understand them, because that is who you are, the one that will unite all. To unite, you must comprehend. However, your men will never understand them because they will refuse to. _

_There is simplicity though, Alexander, one that you do not see. You try to delve too deeply. Believe me, I tried doing that at first as well. Yet then I realized something. We are the same not because of what we believe, but because we believe. That is the answer. We believe. _

_The Brahmans believe in their own religion, one that we may never understand. Yet to them, we believe in gods and such that they shall never comprehend. Nonetheless, we believe in something, something that may never be explained. It is just a hope, a feeling that we have, a belief that no one can take from us. I cannot say that I believe in Krishna, as I know the Brahmans do. Nor can I say that I even find myself believing in Zeus anymore. After all of this I have lost my faith with the gods. _

_My only faith, a certitude that has never changed, lies with you. I have conviction because you are the realest god to me. You are the god that I may reach out and touch, confide in, and I know that you will always be there. You cannot be assured that Zeus will listen to you when you pray to him. I am sure that Krishna, or the others Brahmin gods, may at times not side with a true believer if they exist at all. The gods are not trusted. They are not faithful. You, no matter what faults you have, are always there. _

_You are my god Alexander. You are my life, my love, my soul, and I give it all to you freely because I believe in you and what you are trying to accomplish. The men may not want to go on. But I want to go on. If you can look into your heart, and you can assure me that things will go as planned, then I will go. If it comes down to it, you and I can conquer the rest of the world. It will be more difficult, but we could do it. Your dreams are my dreams. Your wishes are my wishes. Our hopes, hearts, souls, and minds are one. _

_Craterus may go to Carmania. Yet I remain with you. That is all that you have asked of me so that is what I know. Alexander, you will fail at nothing that you do, because you do what is needed, and you do what the gods have willed you to do. I say it often, that the gods have willed you to do this feat you take day by day. Perhaps it is not the gods that deserve the credit anymore. There have been many times I have stopped believing in them. Perhaps now the only man that can take credit for your victories, and for this gallant feats which the world has never seen, and shall never see again –is you. You are the one that strives. _

_Gods do not bless you. I do not bring you any great luck and neither do the others because you have no luck. This Empire was built on something stronger than luck. It was built on the sweat, the blood, and the complete faith of your visions. There is nothing more great in the world than what you have given it, Alexander. The gods may be on your side, and would be foolish not to be, but you are the one that commands your future. Have faith in yourself Alexander, for I fear that you do not have such faith, the faith that I have found for you. _

_You are Alexander. That is all that I need to know, and it is all that you need to see to understand anything. The Brahmins are just like us. They choose to believe, whether it be gods, or in those that they cherish and love most in the world. I have put my faith in you Alexander, a faith that can never be destroyed. Now, all you must do, is put that same faith in yourself. _

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Alexander took a breath after he finished reading the passage. He then ran a hand through Cassander's hair. Cassander had fallen asleep letters ago. It was a better change though, for he had ceased to stop crying for at least a good half-hour. Now he lay silently sleeping above the blankets of the bed. Alexander had decided not to wake him. Instead, he continued to read, thinking that perhaps in his dreams Cassander could still hear the words.

He continued to read until finally Cassander shifted. He placed a hand over his eyes as he rolled onto his back. Alexander noticed as well that light was not creeping into the room. So he had been reading throughout the night.

"Alexander," Cassander said dryly as he propped himself up on an elbow. He glanced at the book that Alexander had not put down or stopped reading. He rubbed sleep from his eyes and then fell back against the bed. He knew that nothing had happened between them. Yet, if he left the room now and someone saw, everyone would soon presume that they had.

"Good morning," Cassander then said.

"You just woke. How do you know it is a good morning?"

"Well," he said with a yawn, "the sun came up. That is commendable at least. I can still breathe, which means there is air. You're alive and breathing so no one will suspect me of killing you. So, the morning is looking bright enough."

Alexander smiled a little as he turned to another page. For the first time, Cassander had no bitterness in his voice. The sarcasm was still there. Yet, at least he was coming around. However, he rolled off of the bed and straightened his chiton. Running a hand through his hair, in an attempt to make it look presentable, he grabbed the tray he had brought Alexander. For the first time, nearly everything was gone.

"I came to a deep realization last night," Cassander said as he headed to the door.

"What did you realize?"

"For you alone, I realized what Hephaestion meant and how many things I should have said to him, yet never got the chance to. Perhaps I should have insulted him just a fraction of the time less, and said what I meant."

"He knew," Alexander whispered.

"But, if anyone else asks," he said with his back-to-normal sense of sarcasm. "I realized that the line between general and servant really has begun to blur in my involvement."

"Maybe you are both," Alexander responded with a laugh.

"Damn," was all that Cassander muttered. He then left the room as if he had been up for hours. Alexander watched him go, unsure of what to say, if he were able to say anything at all. He then went back to reading.

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_Alexander, _

_You are all that I have ever cared for. We have been to Carmania and again, what you want is yours. You did the oddest thing today. You asked me what I wanted to have from the treasures the men have taken. Do you still not know what I want, Alexander?_

_I want only you. You are all that I have ever wanted. You are all that I have ever cared for. I love you more than anything in this world. I do not need any worldly possessions. You cannot take them with you when you die. So I need no gold. I need no exotic animals. The only thing that I need is your love. That is all I will be able to take with me when I leave this world. _

_You saw another oracle in Carmania. You have seen many oracles yet this is the only one that you have forced me to see as well. I did so only because you were so adamant. You told me she was the wisest of them all, this old woman, and so I did as you asked. I saw her. Yet I lied to you when I said there was nothing but good thoughts given to me. There was so much more. _

_I asked her if you love me. I know that I should not have. I should not be suspicious of your heart, because I know that I am not entitled to it, but I asked. There are things that you need to know I suppose. Things that I could not be told by you. So I asked her, "Does Alexander love me?" She did tell me that at times questions such as those are never good. I felt my heart stop. I couldn't breathe. Yet she told me what I needed to hear. _

_"Alexander," she said as smoke drifted around the two of us, "is not a man that can love. He recognizes your love for him and returns it the best that he can. Yet he shall never love you in the way that you view love. Love is viewed by all as different. Alexander loves you in the only way that he can. He cherishes you. He would never part with you. So yes, he loves you, even when he at times does not know how to."_

_I needed to hear that. There were other things that I asked her. Yet she said, at one point, that I did not need to ask her anything. I was nervous. I asked her too many things I already knew the answer to. She just sat there then and stared at me. I tried not to stare too hardly at her, for fear of being rude, yet she began to speak. _

_"You will be sick," she said quietly to me. I could have told her that. I continue to feel ill, or be ill, on these long journeys. You yourself have told me at times to remain in cities, in palaces where I do not feel at home, in hopes to recover fully. I never could leave you though. "You will be sick again, not like you are now, but sicker. Your heart will ache with the wear of time. There shall be battles where you are injured. In one you will fall, and hard, to a point where you will need help up. Alexander will fall as well in such a battle."_

_She paused. I never told you that she said all of this. I would like to believe that she was old and senile. If she is right, I do not want to know such things. I curse the idea of going. I should never have seen her. But she went on. _

_"When you are sick, you will remain sick, and you will not recover. You will be tempted to go yet must wait for him. Your heart will ache eternally if you do not see him before you die. Yet you will die. You will die, and Alexander will grieve, and he too will die. First, he will die inside. Then, he will die months later, before he can go on. His heart will fail him, his dreams will wither away as well, and he will meet you in the life beyond."_

_"Stop," I can remember whispering. She did not stop though and I think I may have cried. That is a blur now. All I know is that I cannot let this happen. It cannot come to pass. _

_"Your heart aches now, with words you have not said. You leave them behind though. I sense that about you. You leave the words behind. They will ache with you, those words, until he gets them. He gets them…in your death…and in his own."_

_"I kill him," I asked her quietly, trembling._

_"Alexander has long been dead. He lets go, because of his love for you, but you are not the cause of his demise. You keep him alive now. You shall keep him alive for some time, with what you are planning to leave behind. The gods, of all of the ones I know, they do not bless Alexander."_

_"They do," I tried to say, but she immediately was speaking again. _

_"They do not bless him with victories. You know this. They bless you, Hephaestion Amyntor. They bless you with the breath they give you each day, for you have been ill many a times before, and they do not fail you. They bless you with Alexander's love, the only medicine your body needs. They bless you, by keeping you alive, and you are the one that blesses Alexander."_

_Not much was said after that. I am not sure what to think anymore, Alexander. If I love you, and I do, I should leave now so that this could never come to pass. Yet, I find that I am unable to leave. Whenever I think of it, I see only your face, and know that I cannot. The gods are not gifting me with anything, if those gifts will only lead me to your demise. _


	13. Year 324 BC

Title: "Letters" 

Author: Baliansword

Chapter: 13, "Year 324 BC"

A/N: This chapter will make people cry, based on previous reviews. I am warning you, so that you may get the box of tissues now.

H/N: We all know what happened towards the end of 324 BC.

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"Read it to me," Alexander said as Cassander glanced up from the page with no confidence. Cassander watched as Alexander turned his back to him once more, so that he could stare out at the night. Cassander took a deep breath and licked his lower lip. He then began to read the last letter ever written by Hephaestion Amyntor.

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_For Alexander, the Great, when I am no longer here to tell him how dear to me he is. This is all that I meant to say, and perhaps never did. So now, I say it. _

_Alexander, 18th of September, 334_

_I am glad that you are not here at the moment. You do not need to see me like this. I know that I said I would rest because that is what Philip ordered. Yet you need to know so many things and I know that I have not long to write them down. Forgive Cassander for giving me this pen and paper. He only did what I begged of him to do. He knows not what I write, just that I have told him I can feel my body failing me, and so he did the best he could to soothe me since I am scared and alone. _

_I am scared. I must admit that because I do not know what you are going to do without me. I am the only thing at times that holds you back from making rash decisions that you will regret later. I worry for you, without me, but know there is nothing that I can do to save you. I am scared, Alexander, so scared to die. I wasn't worried in the battles because at least then I would be giving you some sort of honor. If I died in glory, it would have been accepted. This, this is just some illness. _

_I look over this book, of these letters I have written, and each one makes me smile. I regret none of it and you should know that. There is nothing I would have rather done with my life. You are everything to me, from the moment I met you, till this very moment. Let me tell you everything, everything that I can, before I can say nothing more. _

_The first day we met, I knew that I loved you. You were just a boy and I did not know who you were. Yet when I saw you I knew. There is no other way to say it. I just looked at you and knew that I could tell you everything, anything at all, and that you would listen. It was in your eyes I think. Your eyes, they held secrets and I wanted to know them. You told me them and I can never thank you enough for that Alexander. _

_You let me into your life and you never let me go. Everything that you wanted, when you told me, I wanted too. It wasn't because of what I felt. Eventually I found in my heart that I had wanted everything you had told me. When we were young though I wanted nothing more than to be with you. I could have gone with you to wash Bucephalus after every war, and done nothing more, and I would have been happy. _

_You gave me the position of general and that was a dream come true, for no matter what you say, I have never deserved such. I can do what you want. I can command a legion and order bridges to be built. Yet in the end I cannot take life as Cassander has. I cannot think from only your side of the army when making plans as Ptolemy and Craterus do. But, in the end, that never mattered. I just needed to make you happy, to please you with what I did accomplish, and I hope that I have done that. _

_I did love Babylon, Alexander. When we first arrived I was like the others, like everyone. I was in awe. Yet when the awe of it faded, many began not to like the place. They missed home. I even missed home, but my home had been with you, and it always has been so I let that go. Babylon was not all that I thought it would be once we had it. I thought that you would be happy there and would remain there, even though in the back of my mind I knew I was a fool to think such. It is true though. _

_When you wanted to go on, and you made that clear just days after we had become settled, I cursed Babylon. I was a fool. I was angry with a city, an inanimate object of all things. I hated it for some time because it was not enough. I thought that I could blame Babylon for your desires to go on. Yet I realize now that you never will settle anywhere. You are a free spirit, which I have always known, and now I see it is never going to be in you to stop. You'll conquer the world and then start at Macedonia and do it all again. That is who you are. _

_So you thought that I hated Babylon. I do not hate it though. Babylon is one of the most beautiful places in the world and I thank the gods that I got to see it with you. Just as I thanked them when we saw Troy, and went to Siwah, and I even thank them for Bactra. _

_The only thing that came of Babylon that I was truly unsure of was Bagoas. I know that I said I would not speak of him anymore. But I need you to know that I understand. I don't want you to think that I didn't. I understand what you needed in him, and I accept it, and never have I blamed you. I blamed myself because I thought I was not enough. But I realize now that I was. I see what Bagoas was to you. So know that I hold nothing against him, or against what you two share. _

_The same goes for Roxanne. I do not understand her as a person. As an idea, and as a wife, I understand what you needed of her. I am glad that she made you happy. I am glad that she will give you the son that I never could have. There are so many things that you found in her that you could not have in me. So I cannot hate her, nor you for having her. I praise her in fact for giving you what you sought. Be good to her, Alexander, as good as you know how to be. _

_I should long ago have told you what the oracle said in Carmania. I did not, because I did not want for you to worry. Yet I know now that I am going to die. I started to know when I became ill. Telling you would have solved nothing. There is nothing that you can do if the Fates wish it. But at least you will have this to remember me by. You will know that I love you and always have. That is good enough for me. _

_I do love you Alexander. You are my sun, my stars, my world. There is nothing that is not great about you. I have spent everyday of my life with you, the days that count, and I regret none of them. You think at times that you could have done something else to make me happier. Never think that, Alexander. You did everything I have ever needed from you. You loved me back. _

_I do not want for you to dwell on my death. I want you to think of me once, and only once, then hide me away in your heart. You must go on because I would expect no less of you. There is so much left for you Alexander. Please, grieve for me for only a moment, then go on living for me. Live, when I cannot, so that I may watch you from my place in the sky. _

_I shall shine down upon you, as a star, and will guide you when you are lost. Just know that I love you still. Keep living Alexander. That is all that I can tell you. Do not give up on life because it will not give up on you. Take this book of letters, and read it over once, and then never open it again. I want you to get rid of it eventually. I will be in your heart, so you will be strong, and you will not need these anymore. _

_I love you Alexander. I have never wanted to loose you to this world that you love so much. I know now that I have not. If there is anything that I have not done, or not said, I wish that I would have. I wish that I would have done everything you could have ever wanted me to do. I love you Alexander, and that is what you need to keep in your heart with my name. That I love you. _

_With all of my heart, my soul, my mind, and my love I must leave you. I am forever in your debt, for showing me what life and love are, and I am eternally grateful. I remain, forever yours. _

_Hephaestion Amyntor._

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Cassander stopped speaking. He then reached up and with the back of his hand wiped his own tears away. Looking up, he stared at Alexander's shaking back, but could not find words. There was a moment, and Alexander shook, and then he turned. Cassander had already thought of a thousand things that he would say. What he did say though, he did not expect.

"Burn them," Alexander said softly, then turned away. Cassander held the book for another moment before Alexander turned once more. Upon seeing his face Cassander knew what he must do. Alexander wanted the letters burned. Cassander nodded weakly, and then left the room, with the book of wonders tucked under his arm.

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…**Babylon… _3 months later … _June 9th, 323 **

Cassander was silent as he entered the room. He did not know any words and was forced to remain silent until the guards and physicians left the room. Many of them said that Alexander would not speak again. Many of them said that he would not make it through the night. Cassander knew better though. He knew Alexander, knew what he was made of, and knew that there was something he was waiting for. The physicians left and Cassander sat down on the chair that was positioned next to the bed.

He sat and then did nothing. For a moment he had to remember that he had sworn, the night Alexander had fallen ill, that he would not cry for him. He vowed not to share a single tear. So he reached out and wrapped his hand around Alexander's, and bit his lower lip, so that the tears would not come. Alexander turned his head and seemed to knowingly nod at him. Whether or not he actually had, Cassander did not know.

There was something that he had come to do. Silently, he took what he had been holding, and he opened it. He began to read. He knew that he would not be able to finish it all, so he picked the best parts of the legend, and began to read them. When he reached the end, he read through it all, twice even. He then looked up and smiled. Alexander was crying, shaking from the fever he had, but was still crying.

Alexander had done this to himself. He had lost the will to live, so he accepted the drink, the drink that he knew was poisoned. The men did not wish to go on. Cassander would have thought they would have tried to persuade Alexander not to go. Yet never would he have thought of this. As soon as he found the bastard that had put the poison in the wine, he would rip them slowly apart, but for now he was calm. He needed now only to be a friend.

He reached out and wiped the tears from Alexander's cheeks. Alexander nodded once more, and Cassander knew what he meant. It meant that it was now time for him to leave. Cassander leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against Alexander's lips, then one upon his forehead, then stared down at him one last time. He squeezed Alexander's hand for reassurance, then, he left the room. Upon leaving, he glanced down at what he held in his hand. Still, he did not know what to do with it.

He had kept it, when Alexander had said to burn it, because he knew that Alexander would want it when the time came. This was the time. Cassander returned to his room and carefully set Hephaestion's book of letters back down on his bed. Then, as the night wore on, it became clear. Hephaestion had wanted the letters gone. They brought love, but also pain. Cassander stared at them, unsure of whether or not _he_ could now part with them. Smiling softly, he picked the book up, and took it to the fire burning in the corner of the room.

"None of us could ever regret it," Cassander whispered to Hephaestion's soul, which still lingered, and to Alexander's that would soon join him. Then, he tossed the letters into the fire, and watched as the orange flames consumed years worth of work. It consumed not only the work, but the love, pain, agony, despair, joy, grief, beauty, and all other emotions that had been trapped in the pages. Cassander crossed his arms over his chest and watched until there was nothing but ash left, and then he went to his desk, where he picked up his pen and did the boldest thing he had ever done. He began to write down the story of Alexander the Great, the real story, in which nothing would be left out. It, he vowed, would be left for all to know. He owed it to Hephaestion, to Alexander, to all of the men. Yet, above all, he owed it to himself.

"History," he whispered, remembering something that Hephaestion had said long ago, as he began to write, "is only history if it is forgotten."

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ENFIN 

A/N: I hope that you have all enjoyed. Let me know what you think. Thank you again for reading, and as always, I love you all. Until next time! Baliansword


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